Phoenix Rising

I Forgot

...to mention my pregnant 9th grader who needs all the work I assigned and tutoring because she is going to take her 6 week "maternity leave". And some people wonder why I say raising your kids starts at home. I don't know if I feel sad, angry, resigned... Hell, i know grown ass people that are barely raising their kids, so what chance does a 13 year old have?

I Wish You Were Here

I miss our talks, One thing u used to say (used to say)
When things got hard (Hard on me), Get down on your knees and pray
And then those walks (then those walks), Its just the simple thangs
We still do all of this, But only in my dreams - Wish U Were Here

With the Easter holiday passing and all, I began to really miss my grandmother. It seems like she passed so long ago, but then again the pain could feel like it happened only yesterday. I was frosting a cake for the church bake sale (i'm super wholesome!) and I was flooded with memories. Mainly of watching my granny frost a cake with a spoon so intricately you'd think it was store brought. Unconciously, every cake that I've baked and frosted has been in imitation of her style.

Life with Granny was rough. She was mean. Sometimes viciously so. As an adult, I can now look back and see why it appeared that she didn't like us. She was old, done raising her kids and to be saddled with four of her wayward daughter's children when she should have been relaxing would be galling. But out of love, she did it. She took us on, cleaned us up, put us in parochial school and taught us to pray. She played favorites. Beatings were administered with a wooden paddle, and if one transgressed, we all got it. She sent us to the pony keg with a note to get her cigarrettes. She made hot chocolate and glazed dougnuts as treats.

The same nightly prayers she taught us, I teach to my son.

The funeral was particulary hard. I had to read a scripture. I remember breaking down and my father escorting me away from the altar.

It hurts that she will never know him in this world and conversely, he will never know her. I tell him about her. The good things I remember. I look at my son and my niece and whenever they are particularly ornery acting, I chalk it up to them being Maryanne's great-grands. They get it honestly. My granny is the only one who would come from church and open a case of the cheapest been ever. My granny, the originator of the not-quite-right curl. She'd roll her her with brown paper bag and huge bobby pins.  Wearer of hot looking polyester blend outfits and white Keds.

We're maintaining. The void is palpable, though. But I got it Granny. I still remember those lessons. God is still first, then family. I'm true to me and I still don't love those hoes, just like you taught me. You're missed.

But sometimes I wonder why
Why can't u still be here with me?,
Wish God would've waited a couple more years for u to see
I'm tryna stay strong
Barely holdin on
I know I'll see u again,
But for right now, rest in peace

And when I get to heaven
First thing they'll say to me
Tell me have u seen Maryanne
Find out where u are,
Run into your arms
Wrap your wings around me
And whisper in my ear...

well done.

No Rest for the Weary

I'd been meaning to blog about my breakdown. I've actually become the laziest blogger in friggin' history.  Actually, i'm not the laziest -I can think of one person (swingshiggity!) that takes the crown. But i used to have a thought and blog that thought. I blamed it on being busy. But i actually think i am losing my affinity for blogging. It was all lust in the beginning and we all know that lust fades...especially if my blog doesn't talk dirty to me...and it hasn't been. At All. But back to my breakdown...

So I was sick a week or two ago right. Remember, i was dying? I think i blogged during that weekend of death. Well, while I was dying i caught up on blogging and movie viewing. He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless came by and brought me orange juice and we watched The Notebook. He thought he'd seen it before and I KNEW i'd seen it before. And maybe my defenses were super low because i was super sick but I cried and i cried and i cried some more. I think the last hour of the movie was spent in silent shudders. Then when the movie went off, i went in the bathroom and i really cried like wailing moans. I would have laid on the bathroom floor, but I couldn't remember the last time I mopped it, so that was out.

I was just not feeling the whole lack of love thing. The whole premise of the Notebook is this love that just transcends everything. Dammit, they die together! And while that is just corn covered in cheese...it is so unbelievably sweet. And I can't help but to want someone to love me like that. And i can't help but to wonder... (Carrie Bradshaw style) if I'm too jaded to even believe in the happier ever after. Maybe that is the part that I am unhappy about? I think i've resigned myself to being alone. I mean I had a plan...married with kids. But always a bridesmaid...

My ex is stalking me with a whole bunch of shoulda, coulda, wouldas.  He's seen the light, learned his lesson and all the other platitudes that just mean if I take his ass back it's a slow countdown until he begins doing all the trifling shit that made me quit him in the first place. That and the extra bitches.   He implores me to remember what we had. Why you always gotta remember the good times and the years you put in when you want to be out, but they couldn't remember the same when they were out doing them? Why i gotta be the bitch that remembers? Yeah, i remember and I'm fucking salty. I remember how I held you the fuck down and you sold me out for some bitch that couldn't afford to keep her gas on. He says he's ready to get married and have kids. I told him i bet he is. Matter of fact, me and my best friend have a running bet that he'll sponsor some project chick. Captain Save-a-Hoe will be married with a kid before 2006 is out. You know, it's every ghetto girls fantasy to be that rebound wife. Happens every damn day. Then he wants to hassle me to give some things back to him. It's not like I want the stuff, but i don't feel like being accomodating. I told him to take me on Judge Mathis. I thought that was one of my better ideas but obviously it wasn't. i was told I was being immature. Not really. Judge Mathis likes thick chicks and I'm sure he'd see my side of the story.

Instead, I'm trying to start over. But all men fit the description...and the description is lying bastards who don't deserve my trust.  i'm just saying.

Because of You

Kelly Clarkson? someone asked. Yup, Kelly Clarkson.  First and foremost, I voted for the First American Idol winner. Hell, American Idol is the only place where my vote counts. While I am usually not a big fan of white girls belting out songs, I am a fan of quality and a song of hers really got to me. The talk radio station that I listen to played snippets of this song "Because of You", so I had to hunt down who sang it and then burn a copy.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard, I've learned the hard way,
to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

The first time I heard the whole song, I pulled over in my car and cried. Tears can be cathartic.  And I was waishing fervently that if I cried til my eyes swelled that I would somehow rinse myself clean. Then I rewound the song and cried again.  Because for the first time I have heard ME in a song. I know there are those that think they know me. But they don't.  I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  But there is a small nugget of something that resides in me, I won't say it's in my heart because it has nothing to do with love. It's a sincere desire to not be like my mother.  It controls most of my actions.  Sometimes, I feel like i am in so much pain that I may burst but then I have to straighten up, because quite frankly Black women don't have nervous breakdowns.  We're much stronger than that.

It's the defensive mechanism that keeps me going.  It's growing up in fear and uncertainty that propels me. And it seems as if the moment I let my guard down, because I believe that if i love and am loved in return that will help to heal me and I can let some of this bitterness go. But no, someone comes in and hurts me again. And the bitterness ages like the rings of a tree. It causes me to act in ways that people may not understand.  And since i won't let people in that deeply, they don't understand it.

So the things I do are so my son will never, ever feel the same way about me.  And I sacrifice things that may give me a fleeting pleasure for what is the greater good. I don't understand a mother who doesn't. He didn't ask to be here so he deserves the very best that I have to give.

Introspection

I think this is my favorite word. Also my favorite thing to do. It can be said that I am a bit egocentric...but hey if I don't think about ME then who the hell will?? And believe me all that comes after finally figuring out that a great number of people did not care what was in my best interests or what would make me happy. They cared for me only in relation to what I could do for them. Who cared that I was tired, hungry, broke, in need of my own orgasm, sick, sleepy, studying, etc.?

I keep saying that I am going to cut people out of my life that aren't serving a positive purpose. Or aren't contributing to my happiness. I need to just go ahead and do it.  But how do you explain to people that you just don't want to be bothered anymore? Do you disappear like a thief in the night? Do you stop taking their calls? change your phone number? Always appear super-busy even though you have nothing to do?

Just thoughts. I'm getting older and I am trying to make more sense of my life.  I'm not a mean person, although at times I may play one on TV.

I Give Up

"...birds fly over the rainbow, then why can't I?"

I'm a hopeless romantic. It's a slow Saturday and I'm watching You've Got Mail. Besides the fact that I hate AOL and I think they are all the spawn of the devil... There is something about Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Sleepless in Seattle does the same thing to me. I'm either crying or laughing. But there is just something about the ups and downs of finding true (fictional) love.  And one of the plots involves her small bookstore and his goliath Barnes and Noble type outlets that shut her down.  And books are just about my most favorite thing in the whole wide world. But why do stories stop there...I'm always a sucker for the happily ever after. I want to see it. And of course I hold out for the Someday My Prince Will Come. And I watch and I hope. And I hope and I watch.  But i don't pray cuz praying for a good man is just the work of the devil.

But I give up. I capitulate.  I'm waving the white fucking flag. It's just not in the cards. So I am going to join the herds of the non hopeless romantics, the pragmatists. I try not to be a mystery as far as what I like and I don't like. But maybe it's my romantic nature which makes me expect some things.  But dash it all to hell now. Just call me lowered expectations. When you don't expect shit, then you can't be disappointed when you don't get it.  Self-preservation.

Out Here in the World

Sometimes I feel like I am on a raft, all by myself, in the middle of the ocean, with one paddle, a bottle of water and some damn peanuts. I can't swim, even if i could the sharks are surrounding my little raft.  I look around and all I see is water. As far as I can see, only water. I feel the weight of trying to get home safely.  i wonder who is taking care of my concerns in my absence.  I am struggling to get back...and all I feel is that I am by myself. 

And it is quite a sucky feeling to have.

Is this life? I have to admit that sometimes this shit is so discouraging. My main goal is to carve my own little piece of happiness. And I am trying to figure out where I am going so tragically wrong. I try so hard to keep everyone else on an even keel that I often neglect myself. I don't want the onus of having could helped someone...and I didn't. But it is so hard when everyone NEEDS something from you. Earlier today, I was listening to Donnie McClurkin Live in London and I was feeling that maybe I was way too involved in worldly matters and that i wasn't paying as much attention to my soul.  Then I read a friend's blog and he echoed that thought, so maybe I think that it is God's way of trying to tell me something.

It's That Time Again

The onset of my period isn't heralded in by cramps, bloating, hot flashes or headaches. I'd almost prefer that. Nope, instead I feel like murder just isn't good enough for most of the people I come in contact with. I seriously want to smack the bejeesus out of anyone that doesn't speak to me the way I think they should, or the person in line ahead of me in Dunkin' Donuts, or the person in front of me on the road, or my co-workers, or men. Or just random smiley ass people walking around. What could you possibly have to be so happy about?!?! Right now I am super annoyed by just about anyone and everything. I want to go upside someone's head with a whiffle ball bat. I want to play kickball with a certain man's nuts. I want to have a Star Wars light saber fight...only the other peron isn't allowed a light saber. They just have to try to escape me. And they really can't because i have the instincts of a killer and i am out to destroy them. Seriously, messing with a pre-menstrual woman is like waking a hibernating bear. If I was so inclined, I'd check the dates and cycles of women who'd murdered their husbands, boyfriends or random people. Chances are... it was PMS.

Then there is the super-sensitive side. When you cry at shit that isn't even sad, but you're wound so damn tight, the emotion has no choice but to flood out your eyes.

And then there is the flip side. It never fails that once you start bleeding like roadkill, your hormones kick into overdrive. You have all these incredibly sexy dreams and you wake up humping the bed (or is that just me?!?!) My hormoes start racing and I want to have hot porn style sex. How much does it suck that I have no one to have sex with? It's either feast or famine around this muhfucka. And that is annoying too.

My cycle literally wreaks havoc with my body. i understand the importance, i'd be crying if it didn't come, but damn.... is all this really necessary?

Withdrawal and Reflection

I will *try* not to make this a running diary of how much i miss my little man. But tonight is day one and counting. (waah! waah!) He called while i was in class, but when I called right after class, we have a mean game of phone tag going on right now. But I know he is there safe and i rest assured that he will ring me if he needs me. I was cruising thru blogs and one was entitled "my sun" and I guess it was intended to be a running diary of another fab mom's love affair with her little boy. But the title is apt for how I feel. My son is my sun. The one from whom I get energy when i feel like i just can't take it anymore, the one who brightens my day with even just a peek thru clouds, the one who warms me from inside out with his inquisitiveness, the one in which I revolve around...because at the end of the day everything I do, i do for him.

I used to worry about the tremendous job of raising a child. I had anxiety attacks of was I doing this right. I mean, have you ever sat down and thought about ALL you have to teach your child to do? Not just potty training, tying a shoe or the ABC's. But how to treat people. Faith. Love. Kindness. LIFE. And it is hard to teach when you are a work-in-progress. His attitude and how he views life will be primarily shaped by my attitude and how I view life. It is so very important to me that he grows up differently than I. That he can remain a child until the natural end of childhood. That he grows into a man that I can be proud of... Not one that i mortgage my house for bail money and lawyer fees. Not one that has a bunch of different women talking about "he said he loved me...", not one that has a bunch of snotty nosed kids by equally snotty nosed women.

Yet, i don't want a mama's boy. I want him to be able to stand on his own two feet and look whatever is coming at him square, and handle it. I want him to be aware that every action has a reaction and there are consequences for everything that you do. And that a mistake isn't life ending, just life altering. I want him to choose his own path and endeavor to be successful in all that he does. I want him to know that he stands on the shoulders of others and that every day is challenge to uplift them and make himself stronger for the next person that will have to stand on his back.

I want him to meet a woman whose mama prepared her for life and the right way to treat people the same way that I am preparing him. I want him to respect all women the way he will honor and respect me.

It's nothing short of a challenge raising a man. There are so many places where you can go wrong. I just pray that I remain an able teacher for him.

Saying Bye

It's official. i packed my baby up and dropped him off. He'll be heading to Atlanta at 9am tomorrow. I am so bummed out. But happy for him because he is happy to visit family there and have a whole lot of "grandma and me" time. He's really excited and promises to bring me back a turtle.

After I picked him up from camp, we came home so I could get his last minute packing done, share a meal and chat it up before he left. Dramatic right? But I don't think words can really express how much i will miss him... i know it's only two weeks.. i just really, really love my son and enjoy his company - so sue me!

Right before we get in the car to leave, we hold hands so we can pray and bless his trip. As usual he wants to go first. I'll try to remember what he said verbatim. It was something like God make us get to Atlanta safe. And keep my family safe while i am gone for two weeks. And God especially watch over my mommy who'll be here alone. Keep her safe and happy. Protect her and don't let anything bad happen to her.

I was pretty much trying not to cry.

We head over to my nephew's house so we can say bye. He's moving to North Carolina, which makes us sad because he was my baby before i had a baby. He promises to email us regularly. These kids grow up so damn fast!

I think the funniest part is when my son asked me what I'd be doing when he left and i said nothing. He said "well you can go out dancing and not worry about a babysitter" Thanks. Permission from my seven year to shake my ass. Crazy.

I dropped him off with many kisses and hugs and promises to call every day. I know it may seem dramatic but we have never been parted like this. The last time he went to Atlanta was a shorter trip, so it wasn't that bad. But he's been my constant companion for a while now and undisputedly my best friend. The kid has a wicked sense of humor and keeps me in stitches.

So right now, I'm trying not to cry.

You know what will make me feel better? A Pimpin' All Over the World ringtone! But only the part when Luda says "sing it hoes" and the hoes start singing. Quite frankly, that shit is hilarious.