Phoenix Rising

Christ on a Bicycle...

Ricky Lackey has six children on the way.

Don't call them sextuplets - they're each with different women.

When Hamilton County Common Pleas Judge Melba Marsh asked Lackey during sentencing Friday on a charge of attempted theft how many children he had, the 25-year-old said, "None, but I have six on the way."
A stunned Marsh tried to clarify. "Are you marrying a woman with six children?" she asked.

"No, I be concubining," he said. **(jesus, mary AND joseph!!!)

Prosecutors said Lackey is the expectant father of six children with six different women. The women all are expected to deliver in August, September and October.

Lackey's lawyer, Stephen Wenke, stopped his client from saying more.

Marsh said she wasn't sure how to respond, so she let the issue drop since it wasn't relevant to the proceedings.

Lackey, a music producer who told Marsh he was on the cusp of a $2 million deal that would net him $300,000 upfront, was convicted Friday on a reduced charge of attempted theft.

Prosecutors say the Avondale man defrauded U.S. Bank out of $3,975 by depositing empty envelopes into ATM machines, claiming they contained cash, and depositing bad checks before withdrawing cash on the falsely inflated balances.

Lackey has repaid the money, according to court records.

Marsh ordered no other sentence, because restitution had been paid.

As Lackey left the courtroom, a group of teenage girls there for another case appeared to know Lackey.

"Oh, there's Ricky Lackey!" one swooned.

Lackey shrugged the attention off with one word and a wave of his hand.

"Fans," he said.

Yeah, I Said It!

I was cruising the web and I found this.  What is most interesting to me is not the article, but the comments.

When will we learn as a people that we can't keep it in the closet? There is a crisis today among black families. There are a ridiculous amount of women raising their children alone. I will go as far to say that there is a ridiculous amount of women of every race, color and creed raising children alone. But I identify as Black first, and a woman second. And I always start in my own backyard when I start cleaning shit. Anyway, I am among those Black women raising a son alone, but i don't have a quarrel with what the blogger wrote. Why? Because it doesn't apply to me. I bust my ass to make sure that my son is well taken care of, respectful, ahead of his class with his schoolwork and generally an asset and not a liability. I'm laying the groundwork now, so that when he gets to middle and high school what i teach him will be so ingrained, that what the other kids are doing won't matter because he knows right from wrong.  Learned at the knee of his mom. I love my son. He's the joy of my life.  I make moves thinking about how they will affect him, first and foremost. If only other parents would do the same!

If I weren't doing that, then I would be a hypocrite in the biggest sense of the world. It would be utter hubris for me to teach the kids of others when I wasn't managing my own business. And unfortunately, I see it often. Men and women, working in the community or with kids, making time for the 'hood kids, when their own children, well, suck. 

I know I can get on the soapbox about this issue, but hell these kids are the future and if you aren't raising your child, then who is? Or will he or she be free to rob me in a couple of years? I'm sorry, the right to "do me" was revoked the moment the two pink lines appeared. My child is not an afterthought, not to be shafted off on others, not to be further down on the list of importance, or any of the other trifling things I know people do.

Why?

This would be some unadulterated bullshit... if it weren't true. But i see white folks love Kaitlyn/Caitlin/Katelyn just like Black folks love Jasmin/Jazmine/Jazmin.

To me, all little white boys acting a fool in the grocery store are Connors.

Add Leroy and the Black boy's names are all men I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

But what accounts for the 3 Black Rebecca's in my 9th grade class?

Anyway, my theory is name your kid whatever the hell you want to name them. I'm sure my cracka ass cracka name has gotten me many an interview, so they can't win 'em all.

Do I Give Two Blue Fucks?

My school rolled out the red carpet yesterday.

His governorship decided to grace the O'Bryant with his presence because apparently our seniors had the greatest increase in scholarship winners. Which, don't get me wrong, is fantastic. Watching the reactions of the students really brought tears to my eyes. One less thing for them to worry about.

But, like Carrie Bradshaw I was left to wonder, was anyone gonna tell Romney that the class of 2010 doesn't have their own grammar books to take home? i have a class set, which means they can't extend the lesson at home. Or that they have SAT vocab prep in WORKBOOKS that they can't write in (as they are meant to be) because they need to be recycled for the next year.  I didn't hear a damn thing about the chair shortage (!!!), or extra staff to accomodate our gigantic freshman class, or the fact that my running total of monies spent for supplies is $600...and it is still September?!

But nope, administration at the school ran from pillar to post, cleaning, doing security detail, putting up curtains, making our own green room, calling the seniors in and out of class because the governor failed to show up TWICE at the agreed upon times, and making the whole visit secret squirrel (haha, we all knew).

In the pit of my stomach, all I have is disgust.

Step Your Muhfuckin' Game Up!

My girl called me. I refer to her as Pimpin' because she is always on some next type shit with dudes. She's more than a few years older that me, so she's like friend and big sis rolled into one. Anyway, she told me she needed my help deciphering something because she was confused. Ok, then. i perk up my ears for this story. So, she tells me how her and the boyfriend hook up on her lunch break. He's feeling horny, so she decides she's gonna take care of her man. (Hmmm, maybe that's why i don't have a man that I like. That fool woulda been jacking off in the corner stall.) But basically it is the age old story. Man in the mood, the woman really isn't, and it'd be too much of these lazy rat bastards to actually want to get you in the mood. They just expect you to strip and then run up in you dry as the damn Sahara. The crux of the story comes when he comes (of course) and she doesn't. But instead of attributing his wack ass performance to the problem, he starts trippin' talking about she is cheating.

I fell off my bed. My laughter was unbelievable, just a little short of maniacal.

Dude, are you shittin' me? Now, I'm getting all salty because I can remember the months of mediocre ass, waste of clothes removal, please get the hell out of my bed and GO HOME sex. Not cool. What isn't cool is someone that supposedly cares so much about you not bothering to know your body and what turns you on (or off). What isn't cool is someone climbing on, getting theirs, getting off and leaving you wondering if you somehow fell into the twilight zone.

I can't stand a selfish ass man.  And I can't stand an oblivious ass man.

It Takes a Village

My son also started school this week. He's not attending the Boston Public Schools, so his first day was actually Tuesday. He is super excited about his new school. He likes his teachers, the new school has much more in terms of resources than his old school, and I believe he'll be above the curve when he returns to the BPS for the seventh grade. Right now, he's dead set on attending the high school i teach at which starts at 7th grade. He's a mama's boy right now, so we will see if all that changes in the next few years.

If you can't tell from some of my posts, i am kind of a fanatic about my son. As well I should be. He's mine. I'm taking 100% responsibility for the man that he grows up to be. This is because I am the major influence in his life. I determine the kind of people he is around, the images he sees and the values he learns. I'm his role model. With me, he gets stablility.  He is more important than ANYTHING that is out there. More important than any job, date, shows, random city events, political shit or volunteer opportunities. Making the world a better place is great, but it starts in your own backyard. It would be pretty damn hypocritical of me to wake up 5 days a week and enter a school where my goal was to teach children and help shape them into responsible adults if I failed to do that with my own child. 

I try to stress to people that if they have children, it is absolutely the MOST important job that you have. Don't slack on your kids and make them someone else's problem. It takes a village to raise a child, but it is utter madness when you don't do the best for your own and then advocate for the children of others.  It starts at home, people.

Trick Loves the Kids

I think I may have given the mistaken impression that I don't like children. Let me clarify: I don't like bad-ass, slow, ill-behaved, monkey-pox having little bastards. I'm also pretty picky, so fat and ugly kids get a downgrade as well. Now, the children that don't fall into that category are few and far in between. And they know who they are. But seriously folks... y'all have got to do better with your kids. Yeah, I'm all for mentoring, volunteering, teaching and taking a village to raise a child...but you bastards do know it all begins at home right? Isn't it the height of hubris to reach out to other children when your own are the result of anal sex with Satan?  For once and for all, teach your kids some shit!!!

For real, I am sick unto death of these raggedy ass, unmannerly, disrespectful kids. Walking around and taking up oxygen the good kids should have. And I just wonder, have we devolved so much that the kids today are baboons? You may wonder where this rant is coming from... I was minding my business when my car alarm went off. One of the little neighborhood welfare recipients decided to chuck a bottle of water at my 2006 car. Then dance. And then run. Why? Who the fuck knows! I do know I am going to raise holy hell with the manager of their apartment building tomorrow. But it all gets back to parents. I don't give a good gotdamn about any excuses. There is no reason for a child under 17 to be outside at 10pm. None. Don't care if it's the summer. It isn't like this is an isolated incident. These bastards are always out and about doing some shit.

And I know I'm getting bougie in my old age. I work hard for the shit I have and I'll be damned if I let someone jack up my shit on a whim. But even when I think back to my childhood, we just didn't do shit like that. Are you bored? Read a book. Make up a game. Not just random destruction of shit that doesn't belong to you and you can't afford to fix.

I guess my rant is done.

Parental Guidance Suggested

Fuck what you heard. People need licenses to become parents. For real, I am talking about a whole course with a pass/fail test at the end. And the shit ain't graded on a curve. Either you have what it takes... or you don't to become a parent. All these fucking bay bay kids running around these days, not only are they fucking up Social Security and encouraging me to bury my money in my back yard, but they are also fucking up the church dinners.

I am at my wits' end with the so called parents these days. Kids running around acting like fucking lunatics, pissing all over my enjoyment of any damn thing.

Let's take my best friend's neighbor for example. He is 40 years old. He still lives with his mama. and he has 13 kids. Yes, rub your eyes. Use a little Visine. But that number remains the same. 13 of the fattest, ugliest and rudest children to have ever walked this Earth. Now, hey, if you feel like you    single-handedly wanna do your bit to keep up the Earth's population, whatever. But you have ALWAYS lived with your mama. And 5 of your ill-begotten bastards live with you and your mama as well because their mama is a crackhead. I wanna call Dr. Phil on all of 'em. But you know what the problem is? The situation calls attention to itself because as I said before these are some of the baddest kids, well, ever. They lie, steal, cheat, cuss and then have the nerve to get on the short bus when it's time to go to school!!! And all 13 are named some variation of Michael, their Daddy Dearest's name. They are out all times of night just a ripping and a running. No wonder they're dumb.

Now, I see parents walking the streets with their children all the time. Mostly single moms, but hey, that's the part of the game it is. I'm a single mom, too. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well I'll kill a nigga first. Ain't no muhfucking way I'll do that again. Anyway, the kids walk the streets with their moms and the kids look a mess. I mean no haircuts, permanent kool-aid stains about their mouths, too small clothes, dirty clothes, and just outright homey clothes. And I take that ish personally. Do a little better for your kids, yo. They didn't ask to be here, so stop having them walking around advertising that you get a county check on the 1st and the 15th. It's not a good look when you are out at 9am and your child has stains on their shirt and  they smell like spoiled milk and piss. It doesn't have to be expensive, just clean.

Get a job, take a class or something. Give your kids a role model...YOU. If you let them grow up and see you in sloth, then they'll think that is OK. And when they are in your crib, writing their name on the orange juice and pissing on the toilet seat, you only have yourself to blame.

Buy less video games and more books. Reading really is fundamental. There are some really evil people in this world and they have found ways to oppress people in more ways than you can imagine. The first step to fighting that oppression is to be literate. It is one of the single most important things you can do.

Invest in your kids. If they aren't doing well in school and you don't feel equipped enough to help, get them a tutor, Sylvan, Hooked on Phonics or something. Ignoring the fact that they are slow, doesn't make them less slow. It also doesn't reflect on you as a parent if your child isn't on the same learning tract as the other kids. It reflects on you when you don't get them the help they need.

Also, stop thinking every damn venue is kid friendly. It's not. Especially when your kid has no home training. It's quite selfish of you. By bringing out that mongrel you call a child, you have just ensured that everyone within hearing distance hates your stinking guts. Who are YOU to fuck up someone else's night? If your're not willing to take your kid in the bathroom and really give them something to cry about, then take them home. I have had many a take home meal due to a cranky kid. Not only aggravating but also embarrassing to have an audience that knows you can't control your child. If you want to hit the streets, then find a baby-sitter. Or you can't go. Shit, I'm putting you bastards in time out.

Let a kid be a kid. Along with the fun things like games, toys, playing outside, making a mess, cartoons and kid movies. There are the not-so-fun-things. This also means proper meals and a proper bedtime. Your 5 year old should not be watching UnCut. My 8 year old has been going to bed at 8:30 (on school nights) for the past 7 years. Up until about age 2, I would put him to sleep. After that, he was going down by himself. Now, I don't mean that at 8:30, he automatically fell out. But I don't give a shit if you are in there counting sheep or rehearsing Rapper's Delight, I don't want to see you until the morning. And most times, because this routine is ingrained, they do go to sleep. Shit, they are tired. Wouldn't you be if you were an asshole all damn day? Kids need boundaries. That is how they develop. Their brains grow in their sleep. That's a scientific fact. They aren't free range cows and shit. And yes, it may cramp your style, but you should've thought about that before having kids. It's not about you anymore, homie.

Beat your kids. I am not joking. If those little fuckers get out the box, slap their asses right back in. I am not touchy feely about this at all. I believe kids need discipline. Some need more than others. Some need belts and some need extension cords. But whippings all the same. What is the point of trying to talk to a kid that is just wildin' out, yelling and crying and shit for no damn reason? Get their damn attention. I bet you they'll think twice the next time.

And believe me... I don't want to be up here on my soapbox and shit, but most of this is common damn sense.

***UPDATE***

My neighbor's kids are outside playing with a bow and arrow. I shit you not. I have no idea WHY anyone would think this is ok? What is the world coming to?

BET Awards or Why Lord Why?

Too much shit hasn't been funny to me lately, so I tuned in last night to the BET awards knowing that I would get at least a month's worth of comedy from their 3 hour telecast. I'm happy to say that I was not disappointed. Here are my thoughts in no particular order:

Damon Wayans: I have no idea if he was on something, but he was not funny at all. At all. He even brought back Antoine Merriweather and that didn't even bring a cheer out the crowd. He missed so many opportunities to make fun of the shit that went on, it was ridiculous.

The Cast of Good Times: JJ, Thelma and Michael were joined on stage by Penny Woods herself. I'm friggin' disgusted that the wack ass BET audience didn't give them a standing ovation before Janet came out. Good Times is the shit.

Be'yawn'ce: With all that foil on, someone should've beamed that bitch up to scotty. Not impressed at all. Not only is the song Deja Vu not even about deja vu (can someone teach the kids something?), she lip synced, and rolled around on the floor like she was having a damn epileptic seizure. And the most egregious offense of the night? Glued rhinestones and glitter to her body in some kind of tacky design. Now when I head out to the 'hood, I'm gonna see a million hoodrats emulating this behavior.

T.I: He had a pretty nice collage of Black images as his set was introduced and then was brought out by Don King. LOL! I was already hyped up because What You Know About That is y'all girl's anthem. They should play that shit when I stroll down the street. But low budget ass BET fucked it up for everyone with their dollar store ass sound system. At the end of his set, he said some shit that made me think i was at the damn Source awards.

Chris Brown: You won Best New Artist, not group. Why are you on stage with fifty eleven people? I actually liked when he performed though. I called my son to watch, because he sings a mean "Gimme That". A lot of the performance reminded me of Mike J's Smooth Criminal. It's a tribute to MJ that he is still affecting these younger singers.

Jamie Foxx: On many occassions I have said that he can get it. However, the lady I am, reserves the right to change her mind. And that I shall do after watching him slob down Fantasia last night. I swear I got the Clap just watching them kiss. Ewwwww! He did sing Dj Play a Love Song and then segued into Do What it Do.

As usual BET has the Gumbo of awards show, so there was a Best Male Athlete category with some of the most random ass contenders. Lebron James won, but I'm curious as to why the Finals MVP, and my own little chocolate treat, Dwayne Wade, wasn't nominated.

Further solidifying that this may be the tackiest awards show ever, they were actually broadcasting ads in the Shrine Theatre. First it was for movies and albums, then it was for Red Lobster, Garnier, Jacob the money launderer and other low budget shit.

One of the things I used to like about BET was that there were always Black people on the commercials that aired on this network. Now, as I am grown and educated, most of the commercials just offend me as a Black person. First, there are the local ads for the ghetto fab stores Hip Zepi and Expressions. Telling me that the latest gear I am waiting on has just arrived in their store. Ummm, are you shitting me? I wouldn't set foot in or let me or my child wear that shit that passes for fashion. Then we have the national ads for Lincoln (they are going straight to hell with gasoline drawers for using a Langston Hughes poem to sell a fucking car), Ford Fusion and Wal-Mart. And what ad agency decided that all black people like spoken word poetry over jazz instrumentals? Hint, Hint: I don't.

If I saw the commercial for the DMX and Keyshia Cole reality series one mo' 'gain, I was gonna throw my drink at the TV. Ok, that's a lie. I don't waste good liquor. I am gonna tune in for Keyshia though. She deserves a lot of kudos in this industry for being really real and not one of these pop tarts.

Mary J. Blige: Personally one of the highlights. I was backing Mary like she hired me to be a background singer. Seeing her sing Be Without You made me appreciate what a nice lil love song it is. And of course she did No More Crying. Which is my shit. She's totally in shape and her outfit let bitches know what to aspire to.

Keyshia Cole sang Love. Which I really didn't want her to. To make matters worse, she sang it while walking to the stage which is difficult with all those notes she had to hit. It was cool, though. I would've liked a more umptempo performance or she should've been spotlighted on stage like a diva.

Diddy and Yung Joc: Only thing I can say about Diddy is that boy be sharper than a tack 99.9 percent of the time. But Joc lip synced a rap song (huh?) and then they line danced. Whatever. Joc also had damn 3 inch cuffs in his jeans. He reminded em of this lil petite dude named Michael I went to high school with. They both need to shop in the Boys' Department.

Busta and Kelis did the intro to I Love my Bitch. Kelis had on a spandex outfit that had to be a tribute to FloJo. Then Bussa Bus launced into the 726th Touch It remix. I swear that song was the Black Family reunion. I thought my mama was gonna be the next nigga spittin' a verse. Then low and behold, my favorite white boy, Eminem came to the stage. He's just nice (when he ain't talking about killing bitches)

The obligatory Jesus Break, headed up by Mary, Mary followed that performance. I swear BET tries to get it all in. Damn, I coulda swore that is what the stellar awards are for.

Chaka Khan received a lifetime achievement award and the all star band was headed up by Prince (the baddest bitch in the game) on guitar and Stevie Wonder. Absolutely. Chaka has such a voice and such a presence. These youngsters don't really know from nothing. Anyway, Chaka was seranded by Yolanda Adams and India Arie and then sang Through the Fire and I'm Every Woman herself. I was hoping we'd see Whitney on that one. Y'all remember when Whitney tore that song up? She was pregnant with the horror that is Bobbi Kristina and she was absolutely beautiful. Sad.

Harry Belafonte was on hand to receive a Humanitarian award. For real, I wanted him to break out in De Yo (or however the fuck you spell it).

Ne-Yo sang and while I think he is extremely faggotocious he has a really nice singing voice. I like that Sexy Love song "she makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up...." He did some Mike Jackson moves as well.

Ii think the best part of the show was when the viewer's choice winner told the audience that if they dodn't have the Lord Jesus Christ as their Personal Lord and Savior then they better man the fuck up... awww nawww he didn't really say that, but I know that is what he really wanted to say.

Outkast rolled out of bed to come and announce their album and movie release dates. Oh and they did the video of the year as well. A tie (?!) between Mary and Kanye. A dumb evening to a pretty much dumb night.

Prince closed off the night rocking a do rag. I told y'all he's that bitch. I'm not much into the new Prince material. I liked him when he was a heathen and singing Get Off. LOL.

And that folks, is the awards show in a nutshell. Full up on ghettofabulosity and low on rewatchable moments. 

Reasonable Doubts

10 years ago? Or was it only yesterday I copped two tickets and hitchhiked (ok, not really...but it damn sure seemed like it at the time) all the way to the Worcester Memorial Auditorium with my weed carrier at the time to see Jay open up for Nas (who was ruling the day with If I Ruled the World)? I remember being so open off of Dead Presidents, doing a mean diddy bop to Ain't No Nigga, wanting a one way ticket to Brooklyn's Finest...and losing my muhfucking MIND to Can't Knock the Hustle. That was my shit undisputed. The new kid Jay and MJB? Heavy rotation.

So back to the concert... Jay was still trying to find himself. I remember he had on a cream linen suit, but the shirt was kinda dashiki like. Not hot by any stretch of the imagination. But he spit his shit and I was alright with him.

10 years later... Reasonable Doubt is the only Jay Z album that I paid good money to own. And Jay wants to commemorate that 10 year milestone, well, because as el presidente caliente, he can. And because Reasonable Doubt remains the only Jay album that us hip hop fans can listen to without wanting to slit our muhfucking throats. So he's taking it to Radio City Music Hall. I can't even front. I would've donated my right ovary to be there. But I wasn't, so I must rely on YouTube to make me feel as if I was there.

Feenin' to see Jay and Mary sing my shit, I scoured YouTube only to find that Big Pimpin' Jay Z has been replaced by Big Pussy Jay Z and he had little Miss Piggy join him for Hustle. It's times like these that really make me wonder What Would Jesus Do?

Anyway...some folks that reviewed the concert said that Piggy killed it. I think they mean in a good way and I think she killed it in a bad way. Like I see dead people bad. She brought absolutely no cred to the song. It was the grittiness that made me love it. Of course, she tried to sing the hook like an old Negro spiritual.

On the other hand, if you saw  Mary singing with Jay for his MTV Unplugged set about 5 or 6 years ago Mary doing it like it needs to be done(and Jaquar Wright put Song Cry in the Cobra Clutch). . 'Nuff said. Anyway, here's footage from I don't know when. I can't find the clip I want, but it's cool cuz I know what's up.