Phoenix Rising

VMA'Z-z-z-z-z

I had the displeasure of catching the rebroadcast of the VMA's because I missed the live telecast. I was in the longest orientation known to man. The surburban schools do it up. You not only meet the principal, but also the superintendent and damn near the whole school council. Anyway, here's my take on the goings on at the VMA's.

Introduction: Jay Z, of course, acting like he is the embodiment of New York. Booooo, nigga, booooo! I do have to say I like his HP commercial. Between online chess and not writing his rhymes, he sure does have a lot of free time on his hands.

Justin Timebrlake: I was impressed by his actual live falsetto while remixing Michael Jackson moves. Timbaland came out and did the gayest two step with him. It seems that Tim is on the Ruben Studdard diet. He's fat as hell. Despite that, I actually liked the performance. Not enough to buy SexyBack, but you can't win 'em all.

Shakira ft. Wyclef: Shakira is that chick. I'm as heterosexual as can be and yet I am still amazed when she does that hip thing. It's her schtick and she does it well. Her voice is ass, though. When she sings in Spanish does she sound like she is yodeling as well? Anyway, I'm gonna take some bellydancing classes so I can move like her when I grow up.

Ludacris ft Pharell: I have to admit "Moneymaker" has grown on me. Although Luda is kinda like Eminem to me, their verbal shenanigans get real old, real fast. Swiper no swiping is only funny once a day on Dora, so 80 gazillion times a day on radio is fucking sickening. I was confused as to why they needed the Pussycat Dolls to complete their performance. It really didn't make any damn sense.

OKGO!: These folks didn't even try to sing. All their concentration needed to be focused on those damn treadmills. As someone who has fallen off a moving treadmill, that shit is a sure fire way of catching a bad one. The performance was cute, though.

Beyonce: *shaking my head* I almost wished for Deja Vu. Ring the Alarm is the product of a monster shit and a toilet that hasn't been flushed in four days. A stinking, horrible mess. Anyway, I liked this performance...when Janet Jackson originally did it in Rhythm Nation. Between the blatant hackery and the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego trenchcoat, this performance is a downgrade. I'm glad she thinks enough of her self to be raised up on a platform. Too bad she didn't tumble over the edge.

TI/Young Dro: I love What You Know. I do. I think it should be playing as I walk down the street. But whenever I see TI perform this song (or any song) he reminds me of the slow kid that ate the lead paint chips.  I really didn't pay attention to that Shoulder Lean shit because I hate the song. And I'm tired of all these middle aged niggas calling themselves "young".

Hype Tribute: Kanye West is a self important little dweeb, isn't he? It was amazing to see Hype's body of work. Busta performing Put Your Hand Where My Eyes Can See was a nice little throwback as well as Missy and Tim doing The Rain. Missy was resplendant in her bubble suit and fingerwaves. The most hilarious part was her not being able to get out of the little jeep.

Christina Aguilera: One of the classiest performances of the night. Christina is known to overdo the melisma, but I found her performance to be a right on time break with all the bufoonery of the show. However, i am tired of the fifties pin up girl look. Lose the red lipstick and wash out the permawaves please.

I know there are some performances I missed. Partly due to me not giving a flying fuck about most of them. This show sucked. It was like The Source awards, with no fight. The best thing about the show were the graphics. MTV does graphics like nobody's business.

What I'm Watching

Gilmore Girls - I first watched this show in the middle of its first season basically because I was trapped under a hot ass dryer in the salon. Why i was in the salon at 8pm is another damn story. Anyway, i loved the mother daughter relationship and became a Gilmore devotee. Sad to say, the Gilmores have gone downhill. I'm more often annoyed than amused and while I still think Lauren Graham rocks, the ship is sinking. Luke and Lorelai have no chemistry, the Rory 2.0 subplot is WACK, Rory 1.0 ain't doing too hot for herself either. Lane got engaged and married it 3 episodes. And in the truest scene and most scary for any 30 something person, embarrassing yourself at the wedding of another because you get toasted and you are pretty sure that it ain't gonna happen for you. I was pretty sad for Lorelai and myself. Always a bridesmaid. I'm going to a wedding this summer in Jamaica no less, but I'll be fine cuz I've already resigned myself to being an unmarried cat lady.

Big Love - If you aren't watching the poligamy show, you are missing something good. HBO ain't never lied when they said "it's not TV, it's HBO". Their programming is always top notch. The show sets don't look like they are a Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel showroom. It looks like real people and their varying taste live there.

Anyway, Big Love is the story of Bill Henrickson, a Utah poligamist, his three wives and 50 gajillion kids. Actually, i'm not even sure how many kids he has, I just know it's too damn many for me. So Bill does a bit better that the regular poligamists. He has a couple of large home improvement stores. He can afford three houses all with a shared backyard for the fam and that way Bill can go in and out unnoticed by the neighbors. Barb, legal wife and #1, is long suffering, surrounded by the idiots (wife 2 and 3). Seems Barb had cancer and Bill found religion (and a 2nd wife) while she hovered on the brink of death. Nicki, #2, is the daughter of the big poligamist honcho. Bill requested a loan from said honcho and manipulative daughter with a spending habit similar to mine came with the deal. Margene, #3, was an employee at the store and then the babysitter when Bill married her. I'm telling you, if I were Barb, both of these bitches wouldn't see daylight.

Read the recaps over at TWoP It's absolutely fascinating to watch how 3 women attempt to share one man and one man attempts to mete equal love to three women.

Enough Cryin' - Ok so this is a video, but it's my blog and I'll recap what I want to! All I really have to say is You Go Mary! This is one of my favorite jams from The Breakthrough and I've been known to quote the line where she says some men think that all a woman needs is to be sold a dream, but I won't fall for it. And I'm not. The whole video is a glamour shot and a testament to Mary, but she's been through enough and I rather see her than some of these other hoes out there. I was kinda scared when I heard that they video would have Fiddy as K-Ci. And then I got some forward about K-Ci doing a interview and dissin' Mary. And we just don't diss Mary. Back to the video...Mary has some crazy getups. One especially where she looks like a black superhero. But do you, Mary. However, i will need Hype Williams to stop with all the framed videos. Dude. I have hypersensitive ADHD and I just can't take all that simulation. (BTW - hyper ADHD is some shit I just made up. But it's real, son. Feel free to diagnose yourself with it.)

DJ Play A Love Song - Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. There are times like this when you neeed someone who is NOT a kiss ass sycophant telling you when enough is a fucking 'nough. What happened to the days when video treatments actually matched the lyrics of the song? I wasn't paying real attention to the video, but I know the song ain't about shoot 'em up crazy shit. And this has to be one of my favorites from his CD, hands down. the part when he's like Baby, I know he ain't treatin' you right Lady, look at yo bad ass
(turn around) ooh (turn around) ooh (damn you fine) ooh ooh ooh ooh  He's talking about me. Really. He emailed me and told me. No lie. (OK, lie) But any damn way. ANTM favorite Eva was the video girl. She's really lovely. She just needs to stop doing the BET blackbuster movies.

Elizabeth I - I am and always have been fascinated by the virgin woman who was queen in her own right. I watched part one and missed part two. I'll have to OnDemand it. But the first part was absolutely compelling and tells the story of Elizabeth's reign. The movie with Cate Blanchett tells the story of her girlhood and ascent to the crown. Jeremy Irons is well played as Leiceister. But he has always played the supercilious ass quite well. I still love him as Scar from the Lion King.

Akeelah and the Bee - Definitely a must see. My son has recently began bemoaning the lack of diversity on cartoons, movies and even household products. Anyway, I watched the star of the movie on Jay Leno last night. Whoever did her makeup should be shot but nonetheless she is a gorgeous, bright, witty little thing. I'm proud of miss thang.

I Want My...

MTV!!! Actually, they should just go ahead and change the name of the channel to RTV for Reality Television. So, in addition to being an America's Next Top Model Junkie, i am also a Making the band Junkie. I think this is the 3rd season of Diddykins trying to make an all female supergoup. All I have to say is why didn't he find the bitches that could sing the first go around? I'm watching the hour long season premiere last night super stoked OK? There is nothing i like better than judging a bunch of chicks on their singing ability (mind you i can't sing a lick). But it was cool last night. Laurie Ann cracks me up.  She better not try to channel Debbie Allen of Fame with the walking stick anymore though. I was NOT feeling that at all. And pretty much alll the comments about the girls cracked me up. The majority of the girls were working it out on the dance floor too. It's too bad Malika will be like 40 before Diddyoops chooses the band.

Then, i am ashamed to admit that I have been watching My Super Sweet 16. It's moreso like a train wreck fascination with the ridiculously spoiled kids that are profiled. I mean I need for MTV to do a 10 year later "Where Are They Now?" special and most of these little dictators will probably be strung out somewhere because they won't be able to handle life without mummy and daddy on the purse strings. And the parents?! Jeezalu! They need a session with Dr. Phil and quick. i have flattened regular bitches on the street for lesser offenses than their own children have perpetrated. And the sad part? At least 2 of the episodes i watched featured minority kids that were adopted and truly acting like asses. If you get a chance, check out Sophie, Jazmin and Cindy (whose spotlight dance is the dance from Dirty Dancing. It's like a 10 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. She will live to regret that footage, but hey "nobody puts Baby in the corner!")

So I Was Watching TV Last Night...

Tuesday Night.  Usually a good night for me.  Since the start of the new fall television season, you can find me ensconced on my really comfy couch watching the Gilmore Girls, who shall now be referred to as the Gilmore Bitches. Now, I've been a faithful fan since this shit premiered on the WB Way Back When. But now, i'm just aggravated. Rory's acting all out of character... is she gonna start fucking chicks next? Stole a boat, dropped out of college, and esentially ran away from home. Lorelai's marrying Luke, but really probably won't marry him because she's the Runaway Bride. Give me something people. I'm telling you, they better shape the fuck up and soon.

I'm ashamed to say that after the Gilmore Bitches pissed me off, I flipped to NBC to watch the pilot for "My Name is Earl" because quite frankly, nothing is as funny as a white trash cracka. That and the ads I saw were pretty damn funny.  "I stole a car from a one legged woman" C'mon, I'm just twisted enough to picture a one legged woman hopping beind a car thief. Shit like that amuses me. Sue me. Anyway, I really wasn't too impressed. Earl got drunk, married someone that was 6 months pregnant, wife got pregnant again, Earl Jr. is black (Me, Myself and Irene anyone?) So basically Earl ascribes to the philosophy of Carson Daly and believes in karma. So he has a long ass list of shit he has to make retribution for. I'm not watching this shit. Yada, yada, blah blah blah. I laughed a few times but I won't be tuning in again.

To add insult to injury, i then flipped to the network where shuckin' and jivin' is still in vogue and caught the last bit of the finale for R U the Girl? Otherwise known as R U Shittin' Me? Number one, fuck TLC. Y'all don't need a new group member cuz y'all don't need to be singing or performing anything else anymore. Rozonda keep on pining after gay ass Usher, Tionne keep getting your ass beat by Mack 10 and keep that sickle cell under control. This is the shittiest reality show/contest thing EVER.

But this is the last show and two fools that desperately want to get into this group are practicing the song and trying to learn the choreography. First of all, when was Chilli crowned the Dancing Queen? Did i miss that episode of Solid Gold? So before they choose, Chilli and T-Boz launch into a really tired and boring mini concert of all their greatest hits. It was like 3 1/2 songs so at least it was over fast.  But seriously, even they looked bored. They didn't even do a quality lip synch job. Ashley Simpson did better on SNL. Their outfits sucked. What are all those straps and shit? Note to T-Boz, there is a difference between a size 6 and a toned sized 6.  Until you realize that, I'mma need you to keep your gut covered.

Anyway, I'm psychic and i already knew that they were gonna pick Osokrispe (and NO i didn't make that up!) instead of the other girl Meara, Myra, Meercat or whatever her name was. She had a lil too much Indian in her family and we all know that Chilli wants to be the only group member with "babyhair". And is it just me or do people with facial piercings look really dirty but you know if you ask right they'll give you a rim job?

So right before they choose the new group member, they give little tired speeches about each girl, which were inherently the same. Damn if you love them so much make them both group members.  Be the reverse of Destiny's Child. But nope, they choose Osokrispe and her family bumrushes the stage. Then they perform the new song "I Bet". How about I bet i wouldn't listen to that shit if i got the CD free on the skreeets.

There, my friends was my disappointing night of television viewing. Someone should take pity on me and bumb my cable package up.  ANTM begins tonight with a 2 hour special. I am debating keeping a running blog of the shows.

The Best of Jodeci

So I went to Best Buy to pick up the Jodeci greatest hits compilation. Can i just say that I am please as punch about my purchase? After seeing the commercial on TV One at about 2am, i decided that I needed to cop that for my own nefarious purposes. It's amazing that they got a "best of" CD out of 3 albums. Oh, and their Unplugged MTV set. You can't forget "Lately". So bascially all of the A side of the first album is on their, ditto for the 2nd album. I think Love U 4 Life is the only song from "The Show, The Afterparty, The Hotel". At the end of the CD, they have about 4 uptempo cuts, but whoever listened to those songs? It's all about the practicing babymaking music. Remember your parents would say babymaking music.... sheeeiiittt, no one I know these days is trying to hear that...henceforth, there's a lot of seed (or baby batter TJ calls it, which makes me never want to eat a pancake again) falling on barren uteruses, backs, bellies, back of throats, etc.

anyway, how ghetto would it be to have "i'm still waiting" play at my wedding? this is the imaginary wedding that i always refer to. no one wants my ass as documented...but there is that one part that goes "sometimes i get so lonely when i call you baby..." and i'm titchy cuz i have no one to call to help me in my lonely state right now. and then i thought how it would suck to be that fill in call for someone who's bored.

but i am thoroughly enjoying my CD. i guess that is all that matters.

The Way It Is

So I figure now is a good time as any for a bootleg album review. I figure i really shouldn't do stuff like this because my bi-polarity clouds my objectivity at times.... but it's my blog so i'll do what i wanna do!!!

I copped Keyshia Cole's debut album last Tuesday. Actually, I copped three of them because I was in Target and they were on sale for $6.98 and you can't let begging ass people know anything is on sale because they want one too. I planned to burn a few copies for my peeps, but I figured i could support old girl for $7 a CD.

I liked her first single "I Changed My Mind". I actually belted it out quite tipsy at karaoke twice. I think I told all the women in the bar to err, umm, take their shit back and flip it on these LAME ASS MEN who tend to think their shit doesn't stink... but whatever.

But the CD is nice. I like it alot. She reminds me on Mary on What's the 411? There is an inordinate amount of fuck you, break up songs, but that's just how it is.

Some standouts from the CD are:

I Just Want It to Be Over - strikes a cord with me because I can't break up with anyone for anything. I always end up being the quitee. And it sucks because I usually stop liking people 3 months before THEY dump ME... and I try not to hurt feelings or take my precious company away from anyone. Naw... I guess i should chalk it up to being optimistic and thinking bad things can change.

I Changed My Mind - as I said before flip it on these lames... instead of battling for affection, fuck 'em and the horse they rode in on. How about I don't love YOU anymore? straight up.

Love (I Thought You Had My Back) - the national anthem for disappointed and just one shade shy of bitter women everywhere. I listened to this song for my entire 30 minute commute in this morning. LOUDLY.

Love - confused at to what this song is about... but her vocals are arranged quite nicely and there is a part in the song where she sings "i can't believe you're hurting me" and I feel that because I am always surprised when someone does something to hurt me. I'm usually in disbelief and straight up denial like "me? you did this to ME?" Sometimes I am so naive, my mother is scared to let me travel the streets alone.

You've Changed - She flips it on Jay's Song Cry (you don't get a nigga back like THAT) using the same track. Basically saying I did what I did because you changed when the $$$ came. If you aren't there taking care of home, best believe someone else will be more than happy to.

We Could Be - "we could be real, good good friends" she has a talent for vocal arrangements. I love the way she sings this song.

If we can be friends baby,
you'll be all I need baby
I'll give you whatever you want,
I never would leave you or front
And be what you need baby,
be all I have baby
Be there for you never would front, do what you do

Down and Dirty - this is one of those joints that verbalize how you feel when you meet someone that you really feel and all bets and decorum are off. you find yourself doing things that you'd maybe only do in your dreams. And it feels good...

Anyway... that is my two cents on the deal.

Trapped in the Closet

I have decided that R. Kelly has officially lost his damn mind. There isn't a question in my mind that he is talented. I guess once he shook off the Public Announcement he was ready to roll. But seriously, I cannot wrap my mind around this song. For one thing, it's illogical. Now, I'm no man, but I'm pretty familiar with them... and I don't know not ONE brother who would go through all this business for some jump-off he met at the club the night before. I don't know not one man who'd slip on his pimpin' to even fall asleep at some creep's house. That's a nut and run situation right? It's only fair! What is all this about?! Is this how folks act when they reach their 30-somethings?

But as crazy as R. Kelly is... he does have a grasp (albeit tenuous) on human nature. The husband calls his male lover over because he's not going to be the only one brokenhearted. The woman, Kathy or Mary or whatever her damn name is, is upset once she finds out the husband has a male lover. So she's all like "how can you do this to me blah, blah, blah" so my man Rufus is like "bitch PLEASE, didn't this fool just come out the closet?!" Kathy is really upset but she tries to qualify the wrongness. It's like yeah, I cheated, but you cheated with a man so you're WAY more wrong than I." Umm, no, it doesn't work like that, b. And we all know people that do this... try to somehow lessen their wrongs in light of anything and everything else.

The moral of this story is: if I was that dude, I'd shoot my way out of the crazy mess like it was the OK Corral.

Anyway... I've only heard the first three parts and I think I am straight on hearing the rest.