Phoenix Rising

Birthday Bitch!

No ANTM recap because it's my birthday! I wish I could say that I had better things to do than sit around the house, watch ANTM, blog and eat ice cream... the truth is I did one of the three, oh yeah and cried in my beer. Umm, who I am kidding? I don't drink beer.

I cried in my hard liquor.

For your ANTM fix, hit up Rich. He does it way better, anyway.

Fairy Tale Bitches

Of course, the episode begins with the girls rehashing elimination. Jade is not a house favorite and the girls are gleeful that she was in the bottom two. I actually won't be too happy until she is sent home. She annoys me. And as great as Danielle looks in her pictures, she is not winning with that huge gap between her fronts. And Joanie isn't winning with the telegraphic tooth. It just ain't happening. Gina is downright ugly. Nnnneennnna is too black. Mayeb Leslie? It's a damn shame you can't even look at the competition in terms of talent. It's what demographic hasn't been repped yet.

Tyra Mail: Caution - trains may collide, blah, blah, blah... so if you've been watching the show for the past few cycles, you know this is when Miss Jay (in a dress and a side ponytail) comes in and teaches these heffas how to walk.  It's amazing when you ask someone to walk you find out that , well, they can't walk. Kerry (Bratz doll) kept stumbling. Jade feels as if she is in a cocoon and she needs to break free (new age bullshit), Gina is a mess that's maquerading as an ANTM contestant. Danielle had on this toilet tissue tatter type frock and of course she tripped all over the hems and almost fell and died. Poor Furonda really does look as if someone fed her after midnight a la Gizmo. Rich over at FourFour pointed that out.

Danielle is talking to Kerry about her mom and how strong she is. so that makes Kerry call her people and break down. And speaking of Danielle, she has a weird stalker in Gina. She better watch out. Danielle will take a bitch out the game...early.

More Tyra Mail: Some shit that sounds like Latin. Of course the girls totally misinterpret it and think they are going to Spain.  Of course not, they are headed to Smashbox Studieos to model shitty clothes for obscure designers with party tricks. So the Latin words that no one (but my son understood) mean Madagascar Cockroaches. And he knows this because they have a bunch of them at his school. I'm really not impressed with these cockroaches or the models. The makeup looks atrocious, the clothes are deisgned by a pretentious little creep who thinks he's edgy. It's all real blah. Jade adds some oomph to her strut by kissing la cucharacha.

Nicole's My Life as a Covergirl is even more unimpressing than Naima's. Wow, she wins ANTM and some jeans designer is considering her as a model. Then she has to link the jeans to some horrible Cover Girl product.  Again, I'll tell y'all bitches. Leave the drugstore makeup alone. Don't say I never taught you shit.

Ready to walk, Gina is freaking out about the cockroach and she gets pushed out on the stage and does a horrible job. They choose the winner... it's Jade the roach kisser and she chooses 4 folks to roll VIP with her at the LA Fashion Week. Jade is going on and on about her talent and that she never walked in a show and she deserves to be out there. Then she calls her dad and she cries to him...

Cut to more crying people. Gina and Danielle are confiding in each other about needing confidence and blah blah blah. Wow, if I knew that you get all these great qualities from modeling, I would have signed up at Barbizon.

More damn Tyra Mail!!!??? Something about Fairy Tales. They meet Jay over at the studio and each girl is going to represent a character from a Fairy tale.

Furonda is Rapunzel and they gave her even more hair than she already had.

Jade is Little Red Riding Hood and she is falling off a box looking sharp and funky.

Gina is Sleeping Beauty and Jade has her totally out of the game. She needs to stop looking at her and concetrate on her shoot.

Sara is Gretel. Not even sure what that is about.

Kari is Goldilocks. And this is dumb.

Joanie is Cinderella. Not a real stretch.

Mollie Sue is... I have no got damn idea. And Jay made her cry. This show has more tears than the projects have crackheads. Jeesh.

Leslie is the big bad wolf?

Brooke does the emperor´s new clothes and she is faux naked.

Nnnnnennnna is a priness and a frog... and they put a big old whitney houston wig on her head. Ugh.

Danielle is Snow White and she looks great.

Sidenote: I wanna see V for Vendetta. I heard it is absolutely fabulous. And I like Natalie Portman.

Back to the show.... time for judging! Tyra must be getting up there with the dough because her weaves are getting better and better looking. They have the girls walk in these HORRIFIC hooker type shoes and Kari stumbles toes damn near kills herself for real in hose shoes. Not even sure how she is doing it. Jade stumbles, Leslie too. Nnenna bites the dust and so does Mollie Sue. Furonda walks in the shoes as if she's worked the stage at the Bada Bing. Danielle busts her shit more than once. We cut to the backstage and Danielle is being carried to a chair. I hope she didn't sprain her ankle. Tyra plays up the drama by stating this is the most nervewracking judging test EVER. Oh Tyra... well played!

The girls are back for their critiques. Tyra is rough on these hoes thus far. And Twiggy looks like someone's grandma sitting up there. Kari just burst into tears at the judging. It seems like Gina may be the one headed home this week. They call Jade first and the camera pans to Gina and she looks all sad and shit.  So we are down to the bottom two and it's Kari and Gina... Boy, Tyra has perfected shitting on the bottom two.

and the bitch that goes home is: Kari.  Till next week.

The Bitches Are Back...

And a bigger crop of mediocrity has yet to be seen. Wow, what planet did i descend from to think that you at least had to be pretty to be a model?

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!!

Back by popular demand (ok, like 3 people asked about them)... Cycle Six recaps will be on and poppin' every Tuesday (or so).

Anyway, enough of me jerking myself off... i watched the premiere with Boyfriend. (hold the applause, details later.) I was trying to explain to him how important it was that I watch the show, even though I know who the final 13 were. He didn't understand. I told him that Tyra is evil and she has us all in her evil grasp. I'm forced to watch. And therefore, so is he.

Just a quick blurb about the 12 that are on tonight before I recap the show. BTW - the makeover shows are my absolute favorite shows to watch. A new surprise every time!

Furonda - out the gate she was a favorite. Why? because she is so fabulously ghetto. Her favorite show is Being Bobby Brown and her favorite food is corn. That's right corn. Not corn on the cob, not corn pudding, not arroz corn pollo, just fucking corn. How fabulous is that? Once I saw her in full glory... well not so cute. Her skin resembles the potholes on my lawn and if she don't relax and brush down the back of her head, she betta.

Jade - Because we're all diverse and shit, I pegged Jade as one who would take home the prize. Three white girls and two black(ish) girls means it's time for a mutt or some other ethnicity to win. She actually looked pretty striking in her photo. Once on the show... well Jade is about the biggest insecure bitch, well ever. Her myspace page indicates that we should have recognized her from Jay-Z's Change Clothes video and BET's Rip the Runway. Seeing as Rip the Runway was a pretty recent event, Jade's ass is gonna be sent packing pretty soon. BTW - Still laughing hysterically from Jade's misguided notion that anyone should recognize her senior citizen ass.

Wendy - Poor Wendy. She tried out like 4 times and finally God and George W. Bush intervened on her behalf. Send in Hurricane Katrina and poor Wendy is finally worth being exploited by Tyra Banks. Sad. Wendy's nose is so damn large, i can see it from my bedroom window. Not cute.

Nnenna - will also be referred to a Nnnnnnennnnna or NNNNNNenna or whenever i get tired of typing N's. I love her. She should win but she probably won't.  She's tragic too, with all the momma dying and being sent from Nigeria and the dad not wanting her to model. Watch for the subplot exploitation. Tyra will probably fly the whole family over from Africa and give them Kia Rio's or something. She so wants to be Oprah. And it ain't happening.

Danielle - I'm not sure what's worse, the huge gap between her fronts or the mustache she so proudly sports.  Her photos are actually pretty striking and she has that "i'll kick your ass" air to her. I'm leaving her alone cuz I wasn't actually raised in the projects, I just act like it.

Gina - Not. Pretty. At. All. How in the name of beejeesus did they find the most awkward looking asian girl out there?

Kari, Brooke, Joanie, Sara and Mollie Sue - All interchangable white girls. It may go down to the wire but i don't think any of them are winners.

Leslie - a so-called chameleon. So far the only thing she's changed into is a smooth magazine cover girl. Has a really corny tattoo that she copied from Angelina Jolie.

On to the show!

Well jade takes center stage and immediately begins being a know it all bitch. Never fear. Furonda has promised to put the smack down is Jade gets rowdy with her. We see Wendy and she begins crying immediately and more talk about Katrina .

We break to the salon and Miss Jay has tricolor damn sponge rollers in her hair. Tyra is waaaaayyyyyy too happy to tell these chicks about how they are gonna be tore up from the floor up. Jade makes a comment that hair is where it is at in the modeling world. So i'm pretty damn thrilled to here they are cutting her hair and dyeing it. So far I am not impressed with the so-called make overs. They shaved Nnnnnnnennnnna bald and wow, she still looks pretty fantastic. Most of the chicks got weaves and extensions and Mr. Jay is blowing smoke up all their asses telling them about their personal styles. Shit like hip hop glam and all american chic and simplistic chic. How about shabby chic because this is the sorriest bunch of females assembled outside of a pissy project hallway.

Jade is going on and on and on and on about how she doesn't like her makeover. She actually said the judges are trying to make it harder for her because they know she is something special. LOL. Please, my friends, check back in your mental rolodexes and remember that each broad that complained about her makeover was given the boot. Jade doesn't have long to annoy the fuck out of me.

Oh shit! Furonda has tips for personal interaction!!!! I need for UPN to post those tips somewhere. Some of the rules are "unless it is an emergency item, please don't ask me for anything" and "the best person to talk about me is with me" LOL. Furonda's weave has given her a Beyonce type complex. She is now the shit and all other girls must vacate the group - and 5 out of 5 people disagree. Whatever.

The girls are on their way to a fashion show to pick out an outfit that matches their aformentioned bullshit style. Gay Jay is challenging them to pick their outfit and they have to travel to see Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist. They have 15 minutes to do hair, makeup and dress. They are advised by Naima, one of the most UNremarkable top models to date. Jade is bitching about not being able to find makeup to match her skin tone. Waaah Waaah Waah. Well the winner gets a $5000 shopping spree... and it is the lovely Nnnnnnnennnnna! Yeah! 

Awww, man... they are in Nanette Lepore! Why not me, Lord!!!!

Jade ain't trying to do a phone check, bitch is she? Then she sits there and tells the girls that she is the undiscovered top model. She is so great and everyone else sucks. So she gets funky on Furonda and tells her she looks a fool with her broke ass crown and then calls Wendy J. Lo. Wow... she really meant it when she said that this isn't America's Next Top Best Friend. Corny ass broad. I wish she would... I see Furonda didn't take her on. She betta not snap on Danielle. That girl looks like she'd rather cut a nigga than look at her.

Tyra mail!!! And the challenge clue is: Don't blow your cover. Ummmm, what the fuck does that mean?

Oh, ok. They about to make these heffas pose on ice. LOL. They are cold already and they just walked in the building. Wow it's 20 degrees and they got these chicks half naked. Good Lawd! Again, these are the most unappealing model wannabes ever. It's funny how Jade had a totally shitty shoot, but she leapt to criticize Furonda. Ugh. I hope they send Jade home TOday.

Newsflash: My sister just informed me that Jamie Foxx has a video for DJ Play a Love Song. That is my shit!!! Now I have to stalk MTV Jams and VH1 Soul to catch it          "b-b-b-b-b-beat it, beat it!"

Judging. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Tyra gets more bullshit as the cycles progress.

Jade is... oh my God...she is unbelievable. She's not getting along with the girls in the house, her eyes are too squinty, the makeup is too heavy, she's so strong and such a threat. I would have been hard pressed if I were a judge, not to fling my shoe at her big alien head. Nigel (we love Nigel) told her to shut the hell up and leave her baggage outside of judging. Yeah, Nigel!

OK - We're back and Tyra has on her serious face and she is speaking in her serious voice. She's slowly but surely counting 'em down... who's gonna be left standing there? Hmmm... Wendy and Jade. 

Wendy's out. How fucked up is that? Her parents may still be sleeping in their car after the hurricane! (i know, boo to me!)

The Bitches Take a Break & Eat a Cookie

Back for another week on ANTM after the bootleg ass recap show last night.  So of course we begin with a retrospective look at the last Bootee - the awkward Kyle. the show begins with Kyle's tears and then Kim's tears. And poor Kim wonders if she is going to even make it without Kyle there t be her friend. Boo fucking hoo. She better get her weight up before she's crying at home.

Eva the Diva makes her first appearance this season. And i am totally psyched because Everybody Loves Eva. She looks fab modeling and that wig is really hot. But, err, ummm, ahhhh, when did Eva get all Valley Girl on us? I'm not feeling her new affected attitude and I think anyone with a toy dog is a freak. But hey... I'm just the Queen of My Own Little World, right?

I think this is the funniest moment of the night. Lisa decides to dress up, put on a ratty wig and make up and just harrass the girls. i have to admit that the shit was hilarious. Take a break and eat a cookie? Fucking hilarious man. She has on a t-shirt that says envy and she tells the girls that is what is wrong with them. Which i find to be funny. It is always some substandard bitch that claims someone is envious of them. Too too funny.

The first challenge is the girls have to take what they learned from Eva's little pep talk. They have to choose an entourage and direct their own shoot and then present themselves for a cover girl go see. So of course Lisa is directing her entourage. Her overconfidence may be her death knell. And I so hope so because she gets on my fucking nerves. Wow - I love how this whole challenge is one big covergirl commercial, and i know you bitches remember what I said about drug store makeup, right?

The girls are going to meet Benny Medina, manager of assorted untalented hoes, and if they win they land a spot on Veronica Mars - which is a show that no one fucking watches. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Let's evaluate the heffas as they try to audition.

Nik - umm not gonna make it. what an asshole. she can't even sell herself.

Nicole - what kinda cracka shit did she put on her collage? i see why these hoes have no jobs. they are so not marketable.

Bre - I don't think my boo boo did too well. but she looks great with that hair.

Jayla - why is he letting her go on and on and on ad nauseum? And I am nauseuous.

Kim - she looks wicked butch right now. she clearly presented herself just a bit better then them all.

Lisa - here we go with this alcohol and prozac bitch. but at least she is selling herself.

And Kimmie wins. But i do have to say for all the personal styling... they all look bland as hell. Nik has the same i need a deep conditioner look. I'm gonna skip all the kim on the set shit, because I really don't give a shit.

Now Lisa is being all condescending and shit. But what kills me is that they speak in the little confessional room. I'm gonna need for someone to have it out with Lisa. Jeesh.

We are back from commercial and there is another Tyra mail and they will finally have a photo shoot. They are supposed to be all wild and crazy for the shoot. Should be right up dunkity drunk Lisa's alley. The crazy crackas from MTV's Jackass are there to antagonize the chicks. I'm glad i'm not their cuz none of that cracka shit is amusing to me. And my baby, Bre is not amused either. They say race is a construct, but err, umm, some shit us Negroes just don't go for.

Seriously, these are just some of the dumbest situations ever. It's all supposed to showcase how crazy Steve-O and 'nem are...but really, it's just foolish. And as waste of my damn time.

So the wild boys love Nicole. I think she'll be having a train with the two of them and the midget run on her in the near future. Of course Lisa is jealous because she really wants to have the train run on her. She comes out with a diaper on...and pisses on herself. Again...what kinda cracka shit is that? Bre-bre tells the truth. No woman of class, a potential top model, would urinate on herself at her job. As usual, the line is crossed from funny to sick. Piss will do it every time. 

Am i the only one tired of Tyra's glamour shots?? We have to begin every judging with her trying to relive the glory years. Let it go, Ty-ty, let it go. We run thru the prizes and the judges. Miss J. still has on his/her Triple Crown Winner garland. Twiggy is boring as hell. still. Nigel can still get it and I love guest judge's glasses.

The girls have to pose with a product and they all pretty much suck. And now they have to pitch a chocolate bar.

Tyra said that Jayla's shot looks like an ad for a blowup doll. bwahahahaha. I'm really tired of her and her wide eyes eyes anyway.  Plus the faster she's kicked off, the faster I can get back to hating Nik. Although, I did love Nik's eye makeup for that photo shoot. I've always been found of raccoon eyes.

So the judges are done deliberating... Go Bre-bre first name out the gate!!! You know what that means? Our girl rocked it this week. Then we have Kim...wow the judging is really runed upside down. Nik...and then Lisa. YUCK - will they oust this biyatch already.

Jayla and Nicole in the bottom two. Here we go with Tyra's bastardized speeches. And holy batshit!!! Both of these bitches are out? Ohhhh son of a bitch! It was a fucking joke?! They are going to London? i think I am pissed. How the fuck didn't one of these undeserving hoes get the oust?

Fucking Tyra.

All I Want for Christmas...

courtesy of fourfour

is Bre's weave. And I'm getting it too.

The Bitches Out the Drunk

Another Wednesday night, another ANTM recap. I am going to work on making my recaps a little more concise. I try to get in every moment of bitchiness and i end up robbing myself of the pleasure of absorbing the moment.  i have a pretty short memory, except when i'm wronged. But before we delve into the wannabe model's world, i must correct an egregious error of omission from last weeks recap.  I mentioned the beauteous Nigel, but I neglected to show his picture.  Thanks to this intrepid blogger, I can do so now.

BTW - you can make it over to fourfour's (yeah i'm linking again. nothing worse than stealing a pic from a site and not linking to it.  especially if said blogger has already threatened to bitchslap those of us who do so) site, do so.  He's fucking hilarious.  If you loved Being Bobby Brown as much as i did, his recaps are a must. I wish i had a gay friend as fabulous as he.  I have a gay brother but his sense of humor stinks. I mean damn, why be a gay man if you aren't going to be all catty and supercilious and shit?!

On to the bitches!

The show begins with Nik the alien crying because Big Fat Girl was eliminated. Good thing the show picked up where it left off. Coryyn is still shooting daggers at Lisa and Lisa is still acting weird. Oh wait! We get it, the bitch is a drunk! That's why she's so damn bubbly and simple. They put bubbles in the hot tub. Huh??

Iman is on the show. Her skin looks good but umm, she's not too easy on the eyes. Great body to be a gazillion years old. The bitches are making homemade skin remedies. Thank bejeesus I have good skin. All that looks like it really sucks.

So the challenge is the chickadees have to be fake spokesmodels. Hey! Remember watching star Search and they had the spokesmodel competition?! Anyway, I pretty much think all these chicks will suck. So they have this comdeian dude there trying to throw the girls off. Awww, he got our poor baby Bre. She didn't get a check. Poor pooper. So they keep on rolling thru the dumb challenge. Kyle wins because he made it easy for her. Hmmph. Kyle and pale white chick get to host a shitty VH1 countdown show about models. Umm, won't be tuning in to that.

On the sidelines an argument is brewing: Lisa tells Coryn to stop hating on her. Oh yeah, get her Fake Faith. Sic her like DMX's dog. So Coryn tries to out all the chicks that talk about Lisa behind her back. They are having the most immature argument...until Coryn calls her an alcoholic bitch. And a commercial break. Man... when they finish showing commercials for shit that i refuse to buy, the camera better pan to these two rolling on the floor, pulling hair, kicking and scratching like they are competing for the lead in a soft porn movie.

And we're back... Coryn got a little "and yyou don't know?" in her voice. So now Nik is talking about all the drama and she is so sensitive. Oh shut the fuck up! Typical scaredy bitch move, jayla and pale white chick are outside whispering and shit talking about the situation. Give me a break. I'mma need for Tyra to cast this show with all black girls next season.  These wishy washy hoes are aggravating me.

Kyle and Nicole are shooting their little part and Lisa is hanging in the back hating. Poor thing.

Now, the spotlight is on Lisa's drunk-driggity-drunkeness. i wonder with all the hoopla about about the Coke That Kate Snorted would they leave this chick on here with so obvious a vice. What would the kids think?!?! Now, she's drunk on the porch. Well played, Lisa. Good God, she's hyperventilating. Someone get this bitch a drink....STAT!

Look at our Bre-Bre helping and being all mature and shit! I'm so proud of her!

Another commercial break and we have to put up with another My Life as a Covergirl starring Naima. Ummm, it's just wrong. And i feel wrong for saying it or even thinking it... BUT DAMN NAIMA SUCKS!!!! And the makeover the "winner" got? She looks like a whore fresh outta Highgate. I told y'all bitches about drugstore makeup. It's no good. And stop it with the foundation. I don't care how much they say it blends... it doesn't. You look like a fool. Sorry.

Tyra shows up again and she is trying to be Oprah again. She asks the girls about their vices. Man, Lisa admits to being a wino. But does not tell the whole truth. haha. All the chicks are looking at her like they are crazy.

Tyra mail: Oops. My phone rang and I missed what the hell they are gonna be doing. Oh well. It's always dumb so y'all ain't missing shit. OK - looks like they are doing a secret commercial, photo shoot and an interview. Good grief.

OK - wait a second - the phone rang again. I coulda swore i told you bitches not to call between 8 and 9?!?!? anyway jayla gonna take out Nik? As much as I hate Nik, she's my dog in this fight. How Jayla gonna be mad when she stole Nik's shit? And the worse part is that Jayla will probably win. At least be one the top two. You know another minority ain't aking home the prize. If Tyra wants to ascend like Oprah, she's gotta learn to be mutually inclusive with the crackas.

Let me find out that Jayla is NUTS?! All that and now Nik ia Al-Qaeda? WTF did I miss while I was on the phone? Did Nik fuck her man and get him pregnant?

Time for judging:

What's wrong with J. Alexander's hair?

Here these bastards go again. i think they do this sucking up at panel thing to piss me off. They actually sit around and think of ways to piss off Phoenix. So Lisa is so great. Yeah right. She looks constipated in that photo. They all sucks. And can i just say again that Twiggy sucks.  She is so damn uptight.

What?! Why all the negroes in the bottom 3? Damn, Nik and Coryn?! They about to take one of the two fights away!!! Whyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn. Coryn's gone. I was just starting to like her.

The Biggest Bitch is Back!!

I'm more excited than usual about ANTM this week. And I must admit that THAT is pretty damn exciting. Why? you may ask.  Well, I'll tell you, Skippy.  Because Janice Dickinson THE World's First Supermodel is back.  For the fellas and the female football fans that read my blog you have to say that phrase like you are alumni of THE Ohio State University. I quasi watched this past season's Surreal Life and if it taught me anything (beside the fact that Jose Canseco is gay, Bronson Pinchot probably touches himself in the back of theaters while watching animated movies, Caprics is a no name loser, Skateboard dude is pretty much the same and Omarosa ROCKS) that Janice is certifiably fucking crazy.  And who doesn't love a crazy person?? Anyway, she is going to be a much needed boost because quite frankly, the Twigster sucks. I mean majorly. God, she can't even manage to insult these heffas properly. So I have my feet kicked up and a glass of smirnoff green apple martini... you know the premade shit for the lazy alcoholic in all of us.  Let the credits roll and let's get to it.

Of course we start the show with a recap of last week's eliminations and bitches reminiscing like they weren't one crooked pose away from being booted off themselves. so all the chicks decide to model topless. Unless Diane of course because she is wicked fat for this competition. Again, see Toccarra for reference. Only place you cn model fat and maked is BlackTails magazine and even then you can only show your boobies.

We then go to the chill session and Lisa is smoking a squallie and thinks that she has to coach the girls on their poses and working out and such. So now she is dogging noted transexual Coryn on not working out and just eating because well, Coryn is a man so of course her body is muscular DUH!

Tyra mail comes and it's some shit about math and we all know if they really have to count these bitches are in trouble.  So they go to smashbox for LA Fashion Week. So the Twigster evidently changed the game a trillion dog years ago, so she is here to coach the bicthes on trying to accentuate their negatives. Right now she is telling her crappy life story and i am pretty much tuning her out.  Come on with all this self affirmation shit. Modeling is so shallow, so let the bitches be shallow please! Let's see how this is going to work. Man, Twig-boogie's advice is shitty.  These chicks might as well step out on their own faith.

Gay Jay is starting some shit.  The chicks are supposed to judge their negatives and another one of the girl's negatives. Woo! We get bitchy from the jump.  This is gonna be a good night! Man, who talking about Bre's chipmunk teefeses!! Someone should have commented about how Nik looks like an alien with her hair like that. Man, Lisa is real judgemental for someone that looks like the super trailer trash version of madonna. I'd be mad at Lisa too. OK! Let me find out that Coryn has an attitude problem! She just jumped to the top 3 on my favorites list. She's doing that talking out loud but not really talking to anyone thing.  But we all know that Lisa knows that coryn is calling her a dumb biyatch. Will this be the first ANTM fistfight? I hope so. Coryn tells Lisa straight up i don't like you so don't talk to me.  Lisa just doesn't get it. 

More Tyra mail.  The chicks have to accentuate the negative.  Let's just see how they manage to fuck this up.  Miss J greets the girl.  The girls have to direct the photographer.  my girl Bre.  she's just so damn pretty and i don't like bitches like that. Pretty much these are the ugliest photos that I have seen in a while.  Not even worth typing about. All I have to say is thank Jeebus Cribbabus that they touch photos up. Kyle long neck/short neck wins. she chooses two other bitches who have no chance of winning to go to the spa with her. They are sitting there having a bitch session ragging on Lisa.  They said she looks old from the alcohol or sun exposure. Ha. That's pretty good.

More damn Tyra mail. Fake it til you make it blah, blah, blah. awwwww, shit! Here's Janice! so they are going to simulate plastic surgery on all the girls.  This ought to be interesting. So Lisa the bootleg teacher's pet is trying to raise herself up in Janice's estimation.  And janice being the bullshit detector that she is saw straight thru that routine.  and Coryn continues to rocket to the top of my personal popularity contest. Janice friggin' rocks. I think the photo shoot was pretty boring all in all. Most of the requirements for the girl's were just dumb.  Nik got Beyonce quality weave.  You know when you have so much horse hair piled up on your head you can't keep your neck straight.  Jayla got a booty.  They took Diane's tits away.  One of the white girls got a tan...ummm and Lisa had Nip/Tuck lines all over her face.  See? Boring. So the chickies are all waiting for panel and we can see who WON'T be continuing on to becoming America's Next Top Model.

I'mma need for my girl Bre to not have a mental breakdown in front of panel.  That is just a no-no.  Crying in front of panel is like pissing on the street...No one wants to see that shit. (Thanks AG!) Anyway, panel bored the hell out of me.  As usual, they praise the hoes that need reality checks. Glad to see Bre won Cover Girl of the Week at least. 

Err, a umm. what is that around Tyra's neck?

So we're counting down the hoes... Diane and Bre in the bottom two? Bre? What in tarnation?!?! Well, we already know that Diane is going home.  i really think the flubbed the judging this week. At least let the fat bitch stay around a lil lonbger. You know fat bitches are jolly.

Poor Diane. I'm not sure why she is hurt or suprised but oh well. This is life. 

The Bitches Get a Break

Another Wednesday night, another drama filled hour.  From the little teasers I can see that Gay Jay takes a nutty about something.  Really, when you think about it,he's long overdue.  As gay as he is, he should have been bitching these chicks out right and left.  Oh well, we shall see what that is all about.

So the girls are all out to dinner and they are reminiscing on the last panel.  It wasn't that hard.  They pretty much all sucked.  I see that Tyra is bringing her daytime talk show vibe to this show.  Who died and made her Oprah? That's the only Black woman who can tell me some shit and I might listen.

I guess it's time to explore the gay side of Sarah.  Seriously, who DIDN'T see this coming? Talking about all the stress in the house made her gravitate towards Kim.  Ummm, I'd say it's all the bi-curiousness in her that made her gravitate towards her.  But whatever.

JonBenet is still bitching about her hair. Oh God, just shave it all off already.

Does J. have on a sequined bathing suit?

These chickadees are all a walking mess. Good grief.

I don't know what the hell the hat, the dancing and the walking are about.  It just serves to make them look dumber than they already look. I need a drink and I have no liquor in the house.  And how sad is that?

Anyway, Kim continues her parking lot pimping of Sarah. I don't know? Is it flattering to have a woman hitting on you? Sarah is eating that shit up boy.  I hope they have the night vision camera like on The Real World. You know these two are gonna end up in the bed together.

So the GhettoMobile picks the chicks up for the fashion shoot. They are going to model some dresses by Sue Wong somebody or other.  Tyra has a knack for finding designers that no one (well not me) knows who the hell they are.

Lisa is uber-annoying. My God, she is SO not dope.

Bre did the damn thing.  If she doesn't win the challenge the Asian lady is a RACIST!!! LMAO.

Ok, Bre won, so I don't have to call Jesse and the Rainbow Coalition.

damn they couldn't get a better angle for the make out scene? As nosy as i am, i wanted to see what the hell is going on! so Sarah is on the phone telling her boyfriend about this.  As trifling as dudes are, all he probably wants to know is when they can all get together.

This Just In: Naima's commercials still stink on ice.

*Am I wrong for going to see the Jesus movie in order to lust after Idris Elba?*

So it's time for the photo shoot.  Don't they know when they try and make these bitches act shit goes terribly wrong?

Oh, man. JonBenet is going against her haircut? And my girl Bre is egging her on.  A girl after my own heart.  I love her.  hahahaha.

Diane looks fat as hell and Coryn looks dumb. Actually the whole photo shoot is dumb as hell. It's real campy and well just dumb.  Look at my amazing vocabulary at work. hahaha.

Did this fool say that she wasn't going to cut her hair? Well, she makes the cuts easier this week.  Can't keep a bitch that didn't take a picture. Wow, she packed up all her stuff and is out. Behind that nasty, shaggy hair. She might have looked better if she let them trim it again.  I estimated three weeks and she's gone in two.  Not too damn bad.  Now if we can get rid of Lisa, it's all good.

So they are still going to make a cut?  Wow, it sucks to be the bitches that thought they were safe. everytime this panel convenes, i realize just how much i miss Janice.

Great gallumphin gee willikers what the hell is going on with Sarah?

Did they photo shop Diane to be skinny? !

Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah about the rest of the judging. They get it wrong every week.  They praise these awkward deadbeats.  Nik can get the bozack. God that hair needs a deep conditioner and some Royal Crown or something to tame those frizzy ass ends. I can't stand a frizzy head.  her and Bre have essentially the same hairstyle, but how does Bre's 'do manage to look so full and lustrous?

My man J. he almost makes up for Janice. Nik is the same project hoodrat from city to city.  Face doesn't vary.  Just the name changes.

Is Sarah sad because she knows her Girls Gone Wild days are over no matter what the outcome is? Whatever happens.  There will be no more night goggle nookie.

Bye bye to Sarah and her soup cooling lips.

The Bitches Get Makeovers

OK - I am all set for my top model viewing session. Got me a drank and my fuzzy pink slippers and i am ready to rip these shallow chicks to shreds. i just made it in the house from a BITCHIN' sale at Macy's.  Seriously, if you read this before 11pm, go to Macy's. It's SO worth it. I didn't want to leave.

On to the model wannabe's....

I need Ebony to update her slang.  Skeezers??

Cassandra has natural beauty? i hope they shave her bald and dye her head purple.  oh, one better. Rosemary's baby hair!!ha, ha, ha, hahahahahahahahaha... and she starts CRYING! "i love my hair" get a life bitch.

Gay Kim just doesn't stop eating does she?

Awww man Bre, the nose hair. Does she not groom herself?? But she has such a pretty face.

Coryn looks like a broke Faith Evans. And Faith already looks like she gets a check on the 1st and the 15th. Not a good look at all. They should have showed the de-nuding of Coryn's forehead. 

Nik and Ebony have been set up.  Those braids and that 'fro? Two of the funniest looking chicks just got funnier looking.

The fat bald guy in the clown dress?

Oooooh shopping challenge? I'd leave all those tramps in the dust. I'm not shopping with or helping NObody. They suck with the shopping for real.  Cassandra is pretty annoying.  If anything, ask a salesperson for advice. Jeesh.

Lisa won? i thought she sucked. And she looks like a popsicle in a melting wrapper in that dress.

(naima's covergirl commercials STILL suck. i'm not one for drugstore makeup, but covergirl's wetslick crystals in chocoflirt... absolutely fabulous. told ya, i'm a product whore.)

Time for the photo shoot.  The girls are going head to head in editorial pics. I hate when they try to contrast couture and country.

Nik looks like the ringmaster from the Universooooooooul Circus. Bre looks like she should have been in beetlejuice.  Nothing too remarkable about the shoot. I got up and refreshed my drink...as you can tell by the lack of observations.

You can see Jay's titties in that tight ass shirt.

This just in: Lisa is fucking annoying.  They should drown her ass while in the hot tub.

My favorite part of the evening. Judging. How much do I hate it that they are praising Lisa? Bitches with No Lives model in the mirror.

Oh man? Did he say Coryn is going for beyonce and got RuPaul? i think I just peed on myself.

Oops...  i guess they got it twisted, Ebony. Bye Bye.

And the Bitches Cry and Cry and Cry

These are my random notes and errata from the premiere of ANTM last night.  Can i just say that I neglected to do my homework, but I took notes on the show?  Can you tell that my priorities are just a tad bit skewed?

Anyway, thank God, Allah, Buddha, random cult leader or whoever else that Tyra decided to get a color of weave that resembles something nature would actually produce. I do have to say when she came out her hair and makeup was flawless.

Jay is Gayer than should be Allowed. Seriously. He's clearly the woman in the relationships.

Miss J. - even I of the expanded vocabulary can not fully describe how ugly this man is. But he walks better than i in a pair of heels so work it boy, girl or whatever you are.

Where the fuck is Janice?

Where is the little man with the dog?

Hiiiiiiii Nigel Barker noted fashion photographer. I missed you, you sexy, sexy thing you. I thought you were gay. Your bio says you're married but I still think you're gay.

Bre - You are my favorite but i am quite ashamed of you for being funky and admitting to not bathing regularly.

Susanna - I immediately named her Puffy McMoonface and then felt slightly bad for that when i found out she has breast cancer and lost half a breast.

Kyle - You are orange. Please stop the self tanning cream.

Kim - another favorite even though she looks like the dude from American pie.  You know the one that fucked Stifler's mom.

Jayla - pretty face. I think she might win although she does resemble Yoanna

(where the fuck is yoanna)

(i am not impressed by naima's cover girl commercials)

Nicole - looks like mr. ed around the mouth

Nik - hated this bitch on sight. is she suffering from alopecia? what is up with all that thin straggly hair. yeah, it's long but it's like 8 strands. and proactiv for your face. i heard it works. i wouldn't know. i don't suffer from acne.

diane - you're spunky as hell, but they don't let fat bitches become models. see toccara for reference.

cassandra - hmmm, she's what JonBenet Ramsey would have grown up to be had her parents not murdered the fuck out of her. annoying. and not cute.

Ashley - i was looking for the adam's apple. but she has a "pretty gene" umm, yeah. pretty damn manly.

April - she looks friggin' familiar

Lisa - damn, stand up staright quasimodo. award for the first one to cry. even a crybaby such as myself wants you to shut the fuck up.

krystle - not only do you need a deep conditioner, you're a hypocrite. "the world is too materialistic" give me a gotdamn break.

sarah - mick jagger aound the mouth. will be the first one Gay Kim turns out.

Coryn - Your. Eyebrows. Are. Killing. Me. The worst part is that she is getting them done, but obviously the person doing them hates her stinking guts. those shits are killing me. i'm dying. seriously.

Ebony - "don't get it twisted" ummm, i'm gonna need you to say some shit that wasn't in circulation 5 years ago. and quit with the flower. it's not working for you. instead of fighting to win, she needs to fight her nappy ass edges with some lye or a straightening comb.

Whhhhyyyyyyyy is everyone still crying? Whhhhhyyyyyy are they trying to "prove" something by being in this competition?

Well played Tyra by eliminating like 13 bitches from the rip. That's an evil genius for ya. Just when they thought they were comfy, pack your bags and go home.

Nate Dogg??

Hmmmm, as predicted Sarah was the first one to make out with Kim.  Bet THAT's wicked uncomfortable for her folks back in Boomville or whatever the name of her podunk town was.

Those chicks are nuts...instead of looking around, i would have gone first and tried to stake out the best bedroom. These broads have no sense of strategy.

Didn't really catch too much of the photo shoot and judging as I was yapping on the phone. Sorry. Will try to do better next time. Or not.

And let's all say Buh-bye to Ashley and the pretty gene!

These are the chicks left. WHO will become America's Next Top Model? (you must say this all corny and stupid like TB does)