Or is it ADHD? Whatever it's called I think I have it. So I've been writing a book for about a year now. It's always been something that I wanted to do. I read voraciously and sometimes I come away with the feeling that i can do much better. One day i decided to put my money where my mouth was and sat down and wrote. At first, it was like a fever, I had all these ideas and witty dialogue and i couldn't wait to get my stuff on paper. I get about 10 chapters in... and I just fizzle out. Mind you, everyone keeps wanting to know what's going on with the book. And to be honest, I have no desire to pick up where I left off. And it's a shame because I *tried* to read thru it the other day with an objective eye and it was pretty good. But I guess this is where the ADD comes in because being inspired by He Who Shall Not Be Named, I started to write something else. Umm, yeah. That's a halted work-in-progress as well. It bothers me that I haven't completed either of these projects. Maybe when I get those coveted summers off, I'll be able to focus more.
So I figure now is a good time as any for a bootleg album review. I figure i really shouldn't do stuff like this because my bi-polarity clouds my objectivity at times.... but it's my blog so i'll do what i wanna do!!!
I copped Keyshia Cole's debut album last Tuesday. Actually, I copped three of them because I was in Target and they were on sale for $6.98 and you can't let begging ass people know anything is on sale because they want one too. I planned to burn a few copies for my peeps, but I figured i could support old girl for $7 a CD.
I liked her first single "I Changed My Mind". I actually belted it out quite tipsy at karaoke twice. I think I told all the women in the bar to err, umm, take their shit back and flip it on these LAME ASS MEN who tend to think their shit doesn't stink... but whatever.
But the CD is nice. I like it alot. She reminds me on Mary on What's the 411? There is an inordinate amount of fuck you, break up songs, but that's just how it is.
Some standouts from the CD are:
I Just Want It to Be Over - strikes a cord with me because I can't break up with anyone for anything. I always end up being the quitee. And it sucks because I usually stop liking people 3 months before THEY dump ME... and I try not to hurt feelings or take my precious company away from anyone. Naw... I guess i should chalk it up to being optimistic and thinking bad things can change.
I Changed My Mind - as I said before flip it on these lames... instead of battling for affection, fuck 'em and the horse they rode in on. How about I don't love YOU anymore? straight up.
Love (I Thought You Had My Back) - the national anthem for disappointed and just one shade shy of bitter women everywhere. I listened to this song for my entire 30 minute commute in this morning. LOUDLY.
Love - confused at to what this song is about... but her vocals are arranged quite nicely and there is a part in the song where she sings "i can't believe you're hurting me" and I feel that because I am always surprised when someone does something to hurt me. I'm usually in disbelief and straight up denial like "me? you did this to ME?" Sometimes I am so naive, my mother is scared to let me travel the streets alone.
You've Changed - She flips it on Jay's Song Cry (you don't get a nigga back like THAT) using the same track. Basically saying I did what I did because you changed when the $$$ came. If you aren't there taking care of home, best believe someone else will be more than happy to.
We Could Be - "we could be real, good good friends" she has a talent for vocal arrangements. I love the way she sings this song.
If we can be friends baby, you'll be all I need baby I'll give you whatever you want, I never would leave you or front And be what you need baby, be all I have baby Be there for you never would front, do what you do
Down and Dirty - this is one of those joints that verbalize how you feel when you meet someone that you really feel and all bets and decorum are off. you find yourself doing things that you'd maybe only do in your dreams. And it feels good...
The Shaw - Clark annual family reunion kicked off this year on June 24th. I packed up my little one and headed to Cincinnati. Our flight was pretty uneventful. We were on two commuter flights (read: little ass planes that scare the shit out of you) for both legs of our journey. We made it into Cincinnati at about 1pm Thursday. Getting out of the airport was something different. I hadn't flown into CVG since 9/11. Things done changed, man. We had to catch a shuttle bus and a train to get to the main baggage terminal where I met my dad. Who thought LEAVING the airport would be so hectic??
Ever seen the movie Love Actually? Well the opening montage is people hugging and kissing at the airport arrival gate. The narrator is in the background talking about how true emotion is displayed when people meet their loved ones at the airport. Ha ahaha hahaha hahahahaha. Because it took us so long to get to the baggage terminal we'd made plenty of white friends. My son was more than willing to talk about how we were visiting and he couldn't wait to see his grandpa. We come up the elevator and my dad hugs my son enthusiastically... and takes our luggage from me. Ummm OK. Fabulous to see you too. White folks looking all funny at our, rather my, lukewarm reception. Whatever.
I stayed with my cousin on Thursday night. Fantastic to see my young cousin feeling and looking so good for someone on the heart transplant list. We planned to get up early and hit the outlets at Jeffersonville. Which we did. Hard. Jewelry, shoes, clothes. Umm, yeah. I barely got my suitcase closed for the flight down... it's going to be something else coming back.
Friday night was the big dinner, dance and award ceremony for the senior members of the family. Some of these 3rd and 4th cousin situations can be really scary. There are always a few cousins that will try to INSIST that we aren't that close. A lot of "who you here wit, gurl" so on and so forth. UGH. The kids were the only ones that danced. Can I just say that my son will get the party started at any time? He danced himself sweaty for someone with absolutely no rhythm. A gift from his grandfather. We took a gang of pictures that night and just generally caught up with the fam and sat around looking fabulous. It's always funny at these things because you lose your own name. You're referred to as so and so's oldest, youngest or middle child grandchild or whatever. You just roll with it.
Saturday was the BBQ and the softball game. Pleased to say that Cincinnati won the trophy back from Atlanta. Not pleased to say it was about 1000 in the shade. Plus they were kicking up all kinds of dust and crap on the softball field. After eating we grabbed the kids and headed down to Sawyer Point to the Serpentine Wall.
I LOVE this place. We went there frequently as kids. It's a huge wading pool, fountain type place. I don't know how to describe it. It just rocks. It's right on the river so it's a fabulous view and just generally a cool place to hang out. The kids went wild. I waded in with them for a minute, but some of bay bay's kids splashed my white pants which halted all that fun. Later that evening, I had my White Castles (i know, but it's an addiction!) and I chilled with my cousins.
Sunday we all woke up early and dressed real pretty for church. My great-grandfather, Rev. John Henry Shaw, was one of the founding members of the Greater New Hope Missionary Baptist Church. I was originally baptized Catholic (because of my mom's family) but I always attended New Hope, sang (or something like it) in the children's choir and then the vocal chorus. I finally joined the church officially at the age of 17 and was baptized. It was good to be back. The message was especially good. All about thanking God for thinks that you DIDN'T get because He knew that you couldn't handle them, or they would not be good influences on your life. It was something that I truly needed to hear at that time.
I was supposed to fly out from Dayton Sunday evening, but can I just say that I have had the most horrible experience with Delta for this trip? So i get to Dayton 40 minutes before my flight to check in. I'll mention here that I tried online check in the night before and it let me check in my son, but not me. Whateever. Stand in line... when i finally get to the Agent i am told myflight is delayed an hour because of weather in ATL and that when I connect in ATL, I'll only have anout 20 minutes to make the connecting flight. She offered me a flight out of Cincinnati the following day instead. Which i should have taken, but my dad was already gone and forgot his cell phone so i couldn't call him back. So we board the flight and guess what? The second engine has no power, so we are on the runway for about 2 hours before we taxi back to the gate and I get off and rebook out of Cincinnati. Then I wait for a plane to fly me from Dayton to Cincinnati, where my cousin is waiting for me.
Take 2 at the airport the following day. This flight is delayed because the radar doesn't work. So i am back and forth on the phone with my job, my ride from the airport and my cousin, who is praying fervently for God to watch over us as we try to fly home. It was just uncanny that I got into Cincinnati fine, but couldn't leave. Is it a sign? Maybe in May '06, I'll take my newly minted degree, and my settlement and but a house in Cincinnati. I have to admit I miss my family. I can't do random drop in's on family in Boston because there aren't too many of us here. It's crazy. I was pretty sad coming back and my son was downright despondent. He's ready to make the move.
Happy Father's Day to all the real dads who do their thing 24/7, 365 days out of the year. You guys are such a blessing to the lives of your children and the women that you have children with. As my girl TJ put in a text to me earlier today...Happy Standing in for Deadbeat Donor's Day. As usual, she cracked me the hell up. But you get the sentiment. There are too many women out here playing a dual role. Sometimes relationships get ill (no doubt) and you find that you don't have the same love for each other. But what does that have to do with your children? The ones that are named after their father's or carry their father's last name? Who do some father's feel like they can work their children like it is a part time job? Why do they feel no remorse in saying "i'll see" or "i don't have it" when you grudgingly ask for things for your children because you just can't squeeze water from a rock this week? I just can't fathom it.
My dad wasn't around while we were growing up. I was speaking to a friend earlier saying that I was pretty much over it and that what was done was done and my dad needs to make peace with how he treated us. My Irish twin (we're 10 months apart) is still pretty salty at the way my dad acts towards us and I tell him to just chill. We're fine. We're sneaking up on 30 years of age, so whatever damage is done is done and we need to keep it moving. As I drove home, I realized that I was a bit disingenuous, because it does still sting a bit that we don't have a close relationship. I want to let the water remain under the bridge but it hurts sometimes. We'll talk occassionally and every year I'll make the pilgrimage to the 'Nati, stay in his home, have the requisite BBQ, ignore my stepmother's snide comments about my weight or if this is really my hair.
What's that John Mayer joint? Daughters.
I know a girl She puts the color inside of my world But she's just like a maze Where all of the walls all continually change And I've done all I can To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands Now I'm starting to see Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters Daughters will love like you do....
Can't say this isn't exactly true. I believe that my relationship with my father has affected me in many different ways.... most of which are none of y'alls damn business.
Michael Jackson - He got off. More than likely he was touching the kids. But the overzealous prosecution couldn't prove it. Matter of fact Tom Sneddon pursued Mike like he was mad that Mike never tried to touch HIM. Yikes. I hope this wakes Mike up. Leave the kids alone. However, I do wonder about these parents who let their kids have sleepovers with him. WHY? Can we get some prosecution there? Can someone alert child services?
Phil Jackson - He's returning to the Lakers. Why, Phil, why? Could it have to do with Jeannie Buss? I was watching the game last night and they had a blurb from Kobe on the situation. He said something to the effect of trusting Buss and Kupchek and how Phil is committed to winning. Really, Kobe? Did a losing season suddenly turn the lightbulb on in your head? Let's see how long this lasts.
Winter - How the fuck did the temperature drop 30 degrees in a day? In June? i wore my pretty skirt and sandals and I had to run to my car and turn on the heat when I left class last night. I turned on the heat last night too. And you know it's bad when you turn onthe heat and it kicks up that musty unused smell. Ewww! There's a slew of outdoor stuff I had planned this weekend, but all that has been dashed to hell. Oh well.
Burning the candle at Both Ends - I was thinking to myself last night... man, I have been doing the full time job, mom/dad, homemaker and school thing for 7 years now. It's been more like plodding along, not even really looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, because I knew it wasn't coming anytime soon. Now, I see it. Ooh, do I see it!! I'm more than on track to graduate in May '06. Ihave summer classes and I'll be tutoring at Balfour Academy as well (thanks Uncle Kenny!!!) I think I'll actually be able to coast for the last semester. After my student teaching gig is up, I may be able to secure a job at Boston Latin Academy. My mentor is retiring and she has a good track record of getting her student teachers hired.
Job - Why does it feel like my supervisor gave notice like two years ago instead of 3 weeks? Bitch can you be gone already?!?!?! I know that may seem harsh, but she has systematically turned my job into something i hate coming it to. I enjoyed my job before she came and I hope I will be able to enjoy it again once she is gone for good.
Tickets - Man oh man... my family reunion is net weekend and I still don't have my tickets to Cincinnati. I checked online today and they are still expensive!!! I think I am in trouble. Oh well, the last gasp is Delta web fares on Wednesday. If that fails, I guess I have to shell out the dough.
Marriage - People's discussions of marriage always amaze me. It seems as if there are an extraordinary amount of bitter women out there. Nothing wrong in itself. Hey, it's a hard knock life (Annie, not Jay-Z!). But when you take one to the chin, you still have to stick it out and keep going. I think the funniest thing is how people front like they don't want anything to do with marriage, knowing full well that if someone offered, they'd accept. Often, too many people spout opinions without being honest with themselves. The disingenuous of it all really kills me. It's often when something is unattainable that you decide you can do without it. Or they want to go with the strong Black woman stance "girl, don't take this or that and if you do, you're a fool!" Hypocritical to say the least when you know what they are actually "taking" from a man. Or refusing to see that relationships always have been and always will be a 2-way street. There is no escaping that fact. You can't complain what you don't get, when you don't give shit or have shit worth giving. People are funny and not in a ha ha way either.
That's How You Like It, huhThat's How You Like It, huhThat's How You Like It, huhThat's How I Like It, babyNot a huge Beyonce or Destiny's Child fan, but this is one of my cuts from her solo album. There is something so sexy about being asked how you like it and actually being comfortable enough with that person to respond that you DO like it or if you don't say what you like. It doesn't even have to be sexual. It could be "how do you like your eggs" or "do you like ice in your drink". It's that first flush of infatuation when someone is learning you, and you them. It's a great period of exploration. There is something that is so touching about the shyness and newness of it all.
I thought about what I like, what makes me feel good.
- a text or email just to say I'm thinking of you - hearing what was funny or frustrating about your day. - when you search for my hand when we lay together. - laughing at a good joke or a really funny observation. - giving you what you need when you need it. - feeling like I am the most attractive person to you. - smiles - little kisses. - late night chill sessions. - having my hair played in. - impromptu dates. - spontaneous sex. - knowing where I stand with you at all times. - being intuitive enough to gauge what you like.
I hope you like my style (style) The way I dress (dress) The way I flirt (flirt) Say yes I hope you like my mind (mind) The things I say (say) If I'm with you, then I'm with only you My loyalty will never, ever change
I have decided that R. Kelly has officially lost his damn mind. There isn't a question in my mind that he is talented. I guess once he shook off the Public Announcement he was ready to roll. But seriously, I cannot wrap my mind around this song. For one thing, it's illogical. Now, I'm no man, but I'm pretty familiar with them... and I don't know not ONE brother who would go through all this business for some jump-off he met at the club the night before. I don't know not one man who'd slip on his pimpin' to even fall asleep at some creep's house. That's a nut and run situation right? It's only fair! What is all this about?! Is this how folks act when they reach their 30-somethings?
But as crazy as R. Kelly is... he does have a grasp (albeit tenuous) on human nature. The husband calls his male lover over because he's not going to be the only one brokenhearted. The woman, Kathy or Mary or whatever her damn name is, is upset once she finds out the husband has a male lover. So she's all like "how can you do this to me blah, blah, blah" so my man Rufus is like "bitch PLEASE, didn't this fool just come out the closet?!" Kathy is really upset but she tries to qualify the wrongness. It's like yeah, I cheated, but you cheated with a man so you're WAY more wrong than I." Umm, no, it doesn't work like that, b. And we all know people that do this... try to somehow lessen their wrongs in light of anything and everything else.
The moral of this story is: if I was that dude, I'd shoot my way out of the crazy mess like it was the OK Corral.
Anyway... I've only heard the first three parts and I think I am straight on hearing the rest.
Friday- I had a late start on Friday... got to work a bit late... if 5 hours can even be considered late! I should have stayed in bed. Regardless of that, I was thrilled to leave. I dropped a friend at the airport and headed home. It's been so hot lately that I just got takeout and curled up in front of the a/c. I decided to be a good girl and stay in and get some homework done.
Def Poetry Jam kicked off it's 5th (?) season that night. I love Mos Def!! The poets were all very good. Big names were Avery Brooks who read from Purlie Victorious in honor of Ossie Davis. I'm grateful to GREAT high school teachers. I'm not walking around not knowing about Purlie. I think we performed it more than Mr. Davis. Also, Lauryn Hill whose piece was entitled Motives and Thoughts. And finally Dave Chappelle, who read a piece called Fuck Ashton Kutcher and had to do with him always "punk'n" Black folks with the police. It might have been funny if I just didn't read an article about this. I'd link y'all but I can't find it.
Saturday - My pal CC was up from Baltimore so we went to breakfast and just generally took the time to shoot the shit and catch up on the parts of life we don't put in email. Big ups to my girl for purchasing her first home! Makes me wanna relocate!
Dropped the boy off with his grandparents, then somehow got custody of my niece. That's auntie's little girl, so I didn't mind too much. LOL. I braided her hair, in which time we watched the Spongebob movie and the Incredibles. Got her some pizza and walked a few stores, definitely her auntie's girl because she was picking outfits right and left.
Tried to relax, relate and release for the Boot Camp show at the Middle East. I had a really good time. It's always nice to see true fans come out. Everyone was eating that shit up.
Sunday - Little Miss Lady's birthday party at Goodtimes. The kids really enjoyed themselves. I have great pictures of all the action. Me? I'm just glad that the joint was air-conditioned because it was hot than a mug outside. I mean damn, skip straight into summer, why don't we? Sunday night was devoted to more homework and watching Game 2 of the NBA Finals... yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I said I wouldn't watch... but I can't help it. Funnist thing: Michelle Tafoya (how can I get a sideline reporter gig?! I'd be so GOOD!) interviewed Eva Longoria who proceded to lie and bore me about how she's been a Spurs fan for so long blah, blah, blah. Stop it! You're there because you're doing Tony Parker. In itself, not a bad look. Be proud.
I couldn't sleep the other night. Or rather, I was sleeping quite fitfully. So as I changed positions for the umpteenth time, I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling. I was trying to will myself back to sleep but I just kept thinking. Why is it that all thoughts between 2 - 4am are generally crazy as hell and don't really help you out? I found myself thinking about the men I've dealt with and the effect they had on my life. I'm going to try to recreate the thoughts as close as I can. These guys all have good qualities...but you know how it can be when someone does you dirty. That's what is foremost on your mind.
Identities have been concealed to protect the guilty.
TH - No real beef with this kid. He was my first boyfriend so I am loathe to really blame him for anything he did. There's bound to be fuckery when you are 14 or 15. We were too young to know better. He's back in my life now as a friend and he's blossomed into a great person.
KR - This is the type of guy that should come with a warning label. Stay far away from him because he wouldn't know how to speak the truth if it was whacking him in the back of the head. Quick to use the word "love". Still unsure if he even knows what that means. The funny thing? He's a nice guy as long as you aren't seeing him in a romantic capacity. Thanks for the two kids you dropped while we were together.
KH - Hmmm. Yeah. Thanks for the kid that you dropped on me as well. On my birthday. Asshole.
DW - Thanks for my son.
Programming note: There was a considerable gap here because I was happily single.
CR - Thanks for bamboolzing me into believing the inconsistencies and cruelties in your character were really just obstacles to overcome in winning your love. Thanks for giving me just enough to keep me holding on...until I figured out what the fuck was I holding on to?! Over and over I cried and over and over you lied. But that was my fault because I wanted to be a believer. I always thought things would change but the more I go, the worse it seemed to get.
Voldy - Or He Who Shall Not Be Named. It's always the ones that you don't expect that will get you. This story is best told in relation to a book I read last summer, Pearl Cleage's Some Things I Thought I'd Never Do. In the book, a woman meets a man with startling blue eyes, fittingly called Blue. She feels an immediate connection to him, like she knows him, but she doesn't know why. Blue eventually tells her that they were lovers in a past life but she went away from him because she felt that he couldn't protect her. He'd searched for her in life after life finally reincarnating with blue eyes, so she would recognize him when she saw him. To my own Blue: when and if we meet again next lifetime, you'll have to work a lot harder to make me love you.
Ummm, are you even supposed to curse on here? I admit I didn't read the terms of service (who does?!?!) But I guess I'll keep cursing until I get shut down. I get it honestly. My granny cussed like it was going out of style.
Anyway since I'm such a random person, you'll be seeing plenty of "random shit's"... it's just some random stuff to chat about that really doesn't deserve an entire post.
Raiah (ray -a) - Baby Skinner has her name and that's it. I'm going to stop by the hospital today to visit mom and child. I stopped in the store and bought some pretty dresses for the new lady. I'm feeling the baby itch. Can I hear my biological clock ticking slowly? I've always said that I am not having any children after 30. I know 40 is the new 30, but damn, a body just can't bounce back that quick after these late pregnancies (at least mine won't).
Jeans - Found a fantastic, fabulously-fitting pair of jeans. They cost $140. Now, I've always joked that if i could find a pair of jeans that could fit my ass they way i liked and didn't do that annoying gappy thing in the back... I'd pay a million dollars for them. Obviously i lied. $140 is too damn much for a pair of pants.
Student Loans - Gotdamn! Is this how much education costs?! And why is it like pulling teeth to try and consolidate them? I have a friend with a great paying job who keeps putting his loans in forebearance because he wants to die owing the gov't. His words exactly.
Whisper Remix - I got a couple of mixed cd's yesterday. I'd been hearing about Free's verse. What a dirty little bird. LOL. Aside from that, is it just me or does Free emulate whatever artist she's working with?
Harry Potter- I may be in danger of losing a lot of cool points, but I like Harry Potter. My little brother got the first 4 books in a gift set a while ago and he lent them to me saying "you've got to read this" I did and I'm hooked. I pre-ordered Order of the Phoenix last year and stayed in the house until I finished reading it. The Half Blood Prince arrives on shelves in 41 days (i just came from toys r' us and they have a huge sign...i'm not THAT corny!).